Nefarious Wanker

Have you ever woken up one day and thought, Yeah I’m up, so what now? Most of my days have now become a monotous routine of just going through the daily motions. Nothing much happens, except when I am bombarded with the same repetitive questions that is now the main reason my pubes are falling off.

There has to be more to life in’it? How long more am I supposed to roam this earth like a headless chicken married to my left hand so much so that my testicles now resemble that of a grapefruit? If someone were to cut me up, I’m sure that there’ll be bats flying out from my corpse. Nothing interesting ever happens that excites me anymore.

Last night as I were checking out my Friendster account (yes, I have one so sue me!), I’ve realized something. Most of my buds are married and now they all have a lot of little wasted sperm tagging along. Now that explains why I only have 4 best friends nowadays, and out of these 4, The Kakunz is busy chasing rich guys and The Cock is having his little penis bitch slapped all the way to Africa everyday. The Flying Pork Seller is now in a band trying to entice primary school girls to sleep with him being the pedophile that he is while the remaining friend, The Bing spends his days at home watching his porn collection while enjoying a plate of rice and curry.

So this brings me to question, how do you get a girl, someone who is so insecure about herself, to actually be involved with a guy? I’ve had my fair share of marriage proposals, most of them which I rejected on the basis of not having boobs big enough for me tit fuck (call me shallow but it’s every guys dream to tit fuck!). But seriously, was there a 4 credit hour’s class I missed back in college where the subject matter was on girls? And if there wasn’t such a class, it’s fucking time they should have one goddamnit!

So yeah, the conclusion of my latest nonsensical drivel is when the heck am I gonna get a girl to ask me to stand beside her under her umbrella…ella…ella…hey….hey hey??

When people ask me what’s the most annoying thing about a person, I would say it’s their dinner table manners. No where was a man’s breeding or lack thereof more on display than at the table. Nothing indicates a well bred man more than a proper mode of eating. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly “au fait”, dinner will betray him.

I mean isn’t it just absolutely disgusting when you are in the mood to enjoy your well prepared dinner, only to have your appetite ruined by the absolutely irritating and disgusting noises made by the other guests at the dinner table? Oh for god’s sake, please spare a thought for others at the table!! How would you like it if I went sllluurrrrp! Sluuurrrp! Slluurrrpp! with each mouthful? Oh wait, I forgot that you were raised by trailer park trash to have any feelings, my bad.

Table manners. It’s really easy to follow, and if you do follow them, rest assured the person sitting next to you will no longer feel like jabbing your eyes out with a spoon or puke all over your food! So without much further ado, here are a few simple table manners.

1. NEVER start eating before a signal from the host to do so.

2. Forks should not be turned over unless being used for eating peas, sweetcorn kernels, rice or other similar foods. In which case, it should be transferred to the right hand. However, at a casual buffet, or barbecue, it is quite acceptable to eat with just a fork.

3. When eating with fork and spoons, do not bang the fork or spoon or make any sound. As a general note, the base of the spoon or fork should never touch the plate when scooping up food. Don’t try to scoop up food and make noise with your cutlery as if your are playing drums.

4. It is not generally regarded as good dinner table etiquette to use one’s bread for dipping into soups or mopping up sauces.

5. Loud eating noises such as slurping and burping are very impolite. The number 1 sin of Dinner Table Etiquette! Save all your Slluurrpps for somewhere else, like when you want to enjoy the boogers you so meticulously picked from your nose!

6. Talking with one’s mouth full. Is not only unpleasant to watch, but could also lead to choking! Definately not a good idea!

7. Don’t stretch across the table crossing other guests to reach food, wine or condiments. Instead ask a guest sitting close to pass the item to you.

8. Good dinner table etiquette sometimes involves a degree of diplomacy when it comes to the host’s choice of food and wine! Even if you feel that you can do better, don’t ever offer your criticism. If you feel unable to pay any compliments, at least remain silent on the subject.

9. Picking teeth (unless toothpicks are provided) or licking fingers are very unattractive! The only exception to the latter is when eating meat or poultry on the bone (such as chicken legs or ribs). In which case, a finger bowl should be provided.

10. Don’t forget to make polite conversation with those guests around you. Dinner parties are not just about the food, they are intended to be a sociable occasion!

There I’ve outlined them. These simple rules would not change the fact that you were ill-bred, but heck, it sure can work wonders to mask the fact you were!

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he’s gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye, *Goodbye*

Yes. The day 07.07.07 has come and gone. How did you spend your day? Were you one of the countless millions sitting in front of the telly watching the Live Earth Concert that is supposedly intended to raise awareness of the climate change that is taking place in our world today? I feel that all this is a cheap attempt to publicize something serious without any concerted effort taken to make a stand. Sure, the organizers all proclaimed it to be a concert towards making the world a better place et. al.

I for one was not one of the millions who jumped onto the bandwagon. No, not me. I sat back and thought to myself. Yes, the world is sick and Mother Nature needs a hand. But being the pragmatic person that I am, I thought to myself, isn’t there a better way to help the world rather than having 24 hour concerts worldwide which consumes a shitload of electricity, which is generated by god knows how many barrels of oil and how many tons of coal, which in turn generated more greenhouse gasses? Kinda ironic moronic, wouldn’t you say? Also think of the amount of jet fuel that was consumed shipping all the performing artistes worldwide. It’s really mind boggling.

IF YOU’RE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, 07.07.07 SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DAY WHERE LIGHTS, AIR-CONDITIONING AND ELECTRIC GUZZLING GADGETS WERE SWITCHED OFF!! ZOMG. DUMB. IDIOTS!!! STOMPS WILDLY PLUCKING BIRD FEATHERS.

My other beef is that the person who invented toilet paper should be shot, or better yet he should be used to wipe each and everyone’s asses out there. This way, we could definitely save a lot of tress, leaves, cockroaches, lizard’s tongues and other vile and disgusting ingredients that is required to make toilet paper. If less tress were chopped down, there would be more water catchment areas, thus resulting in more rainfall, which would put the argument of using water instead of toilet paper would be doing more harm than good to bed. Think about it. Using something natural is always better than using something man made.

Anyway, I hope that the Live Earth Concert did manage to bring about some benefits. If not, better luck next year. So here’s wishing that 08.08.08 would be a day of energy conservation instead of it being a day more fuel is burnt to generate more electricity. I also hope that each of us would pledge to turn off our idiot boxes and air-conditioning.

Hi Dr. Nefarious,

Girl Desperate To Find True Love

Dear Desperate Housewife,

So you think that your boyfriend might be cheating on you? That really is the pits. But do you really want to know what is worse than that? It’s people’s lame ass status messages about how Transformers the movie was really awesome. The point is these people weren’t even born when transformers the cartoon made its rounds on the telly. Yet these pimply faced nerds are the ones who are screaming at the top of their tar laced lungs proclaiming to be such big fans of the cartoon.

Heck, when I was at the cinema queuing up to buy tickets to the movie, I saw a group of the most horrendously looking nerds salivating at their mouth getting all excited about the movie, and spewing random useless facts about Transformers. I hate it when these nerds always make a useless show as something their world revolves around. There are enough Star Trek and Star Wars nerds walking around, we don’t need another gathering for Transformers nerds. You don’t fucking own them, and you definitely didn’t create them, so please stop acting like you do.

Also, I feel sorry for these people because they didn’t have good cartoons to watch while growing up. When I was growing up, I had Tom & Jerry, The Road Runner, Bugs Bunny, Thundercats, He-Man, Mask, Transformers, Voltron and Alvin & The Chipmunks. The faggots nowadays are only suited to watching Teletubbies and god knows what else. So please stop envying us and stick to what your own nerdy generation has to offer you damn nerds!!!!!

People I come into contact with always ask me how I’m doing in this foreign land. Well I’m fine and dandy folks, albeit a bit peeved off with the buffoons around me. When they ask me what’s good about this country, I’ll tell them it’s a small island, big places, huge experience!

So to tempt you further to make this country your number one tourism destination, I have compiled a list of the great things this country has to offer. Heck, this country can even give the Visit Malaysia 2007 campaign a run for its money.

10. The weather. I can walk under the blazing sun without even breaking into a sweat. Now how many of you can last under the sun more than 1 minute back home?

9. The people. They are really a friendly lot. And if they know you’re a foreigner, they’ll be friendlier to you, as an attempt to con you out of your money.

8. You gain recognition. Where else can the taxi drivers (here the taxis are three wheelers like that of Thailand and India) recognize you by your face and scream at you to take the bus instead of travelling by their three wheelers just because we refuse to pay what they want?

7. Public transport is so damn efficient that you can hail a bus right from anywhere you want because there aren’t any proper bus stops. Example if you’re coming out from your office, you can just hail a bus at the main entrance of the building and get on it. Try doing this with Intrakota and you’ll get what I mean.

6. You can cross the roads without fear of being knocked down because here cars, bikes and buses will actually brake in time if they see pedestrians crossing the road. Failure to do so would result in the drivers being fined.

5. The food. Forget about the stuff you see people eating on Fear Factor. All you have to do is have the local sandwich which is made of bread, butter and green chillies, and a lot of chillies for breakfast. If you survive, it’s true that fear is not a factor.

4. Radiation. Every where you go, you have to walk through a metal detector and have your bags scanned. So if you’re an oncologist, this would be the ideal place for you to make it big and become rich.

3. If you love to gamble, you are treated like a king. The casinos here offer the highest percentage of winning worldwide, and also they provide free transport and food. Take a hint Lim Goh Tong.

2. Remember how back home you are appalled by the news of senseless rapes, killings and snatch thefts? Well don’t fret as all these are non-existent here. What they do have is random suicide bombings and air strikes.

1. Don’t you hate the countless lame ass adverts on tv? Well here the adverts are either about the airforce, police and the bomb disposal squads. Doesn’t that give you a sense of security?

When it comes to drama series about doctors, I am a big sucker for it. I grew up watching ER, Chicago Hope, some other drama series whose name eludes me but is currently making its rounds on the Hallmark Channel, Grey’s Anatomy and not forgetting my all time favourite House, M.D.

I’ve watched every episode of House countless times, and boy I’ve got news for you on how the 3rd season of House ends. But I shall not be a spoil sport and reveal how it ends. If you really want to know, look me up and we can exchange details over a drink.

So what happens when all the hot medical series, namely Grey’s Anatomy and House are put together? What will happen? Will it result in the planets colliding with one another and signal the end of mankind? Well take a look at the video and judge for yourself.

1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

5. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exit with the passengers.

12. Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”

15. Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Call out, “Group hug!” then enforce it.

18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25. Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”

27. Offer name tags to all the other passengers. Wear yours upside down.

28. When the elevator reaches a floor, pretend you’re struggling to open the door. And when it opens, by itself, play embarrassed.

29. Murmur, “Have to pee, have to pee”, then say “Oooppps!”

30. Scream out Geronimo every time the door opens.

31. When everything is quiet, ask “Who’s cell phone is that?”

The perfect words never crossed my mind
‘cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me
All I wanted just spin right past me
While I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I wont wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I wont wait forever

So did you see the match last night, between Arsenal and Maureen’s ‘Chelski was the better team’ Chelsea? Arsenal was as usual quite wasteful and appalling and they obviously miss the service of Henry.

But in the end, guess who is the actual winners? Why take a guess. I know you can guess the correct answer. You still don’t?

Well it’s Sir Fergilicious ManYoo that has been crowned champions again after a three year wait. I bet The Head Boy from Neviller must be pleased.

So that’s that. Now lets just hope we can win the Fuckup FA Cup to claim the double this season.