Nefarious Wanker

1. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

2. Why is the man who invests all your money called a ‘broker’?

3. Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

4. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

5. Why are the obituaries found in the “living” section of the newspaper?

6. Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?

7. How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?

8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

10. What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

The more deeply you understand people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.
- Stephen R. Covey

I send this quote out with the full knowledge that most people have not experienced and will likely never have the experience of touching the soul of another human being.

Set aside any concepts you have about (or negative feelings against) the human soul. They are irrelevant to the discussion.

We tend to think of the soul as something revealed to us by the religion of our childhood, something we have when we are born. I disagree. I believe the soul is something you find during your lifetime, if you are fortunate. Soul is God within you. Either you can feel it under certain conditions or you cannot. If you can’t, you likely have not discovered the essence of your soul. You may never find it if you look to others to grant it to you.

To “walk on holy ground” is not just for those who have been “born again in Jesus” or who are Sufi Muslims or mystics of other flavours. What Covey means by this is something akin to an enlightenment, a very special feeling that can’t be described in words to those who have not experienced it.

Those who deeply understand people appreciate how similar we are, whether man or woman, mechanic or doctor, terrorist or preacher, child or ascetic.

Am I saying that you are like a terrorist who would blow up himself (or herself) as well as many others? Yes, at the core we are all the same. We all have the same needs. We may react differently when our needs are not met. And that happens a great deal more than most of us realize. More than some of us want to know or acknowledge.

Statistics have noted that terrorists often have college degrees and come from middle class families. But education does not come from school. School only teaches us how to educate ourselves. I received my baccalaureate when I could barely read, in fact never having read a prescribed course text. I could only read a tiny bit better when I received my postgraduate degree. No one today would deny my education.

We have needs that most of us do not realize. When those needs are not met, we can’t focus on advancing ourselves in other ways, be they intellectually, socially or otherwise.

In order to “walk on holy ground,” to feel the enlightenment, to have an appreciation of the human soul, to understand the reality of God and to have the experience of touching the soul of another, we must have our needs met. Those needs include social and emotional needs as well as physical and intellectual.

The latter two–the main ones focussed upon by our education systems–cannot be optimized unless the first two needs are met. A student may pass a course, but not achieve the level of education of which he or she has potential if their social and emotional needs have not been met.

Only when social, emotional, intellectual and physical needs have been met (for the most part) will a person have the potential to become enlightened and to show the way to others. To show the way for others becomes a personal quest, a need in itself so that the teacher and the student may touch each other’s souls in the way that Steven Covey describes.

It has been said many times in many different cultures that if you can’t find God within yourself, you will never find God in a church, synagogue, mosque or temple.

To feel God is to find your own soul within yourself. To touch the soul of another, to communicate with another soul, is the ultimate human experience.

If you believe this is bunk, then you won’t find your own soul and you will likely have trouble believing in God. So be an agnostic or an atheist for the rest of your life. No one will care.

If you one day believe that you have formed a special relationship with someone, perhaps through a shared experience or a discussion, something that goes far beyond what you have experienced previously with that person or with others, then you likely have touched souls.

You can call it love. Many do. But it’s a special kind of love that goes beyond sexuality, sensuality and meeting each others social needs.

You have it within you. The potential is there for you to discover. It’s up to you to find it because no one can help you.

HINT: Begin by giving of yourself to others. You will never find your own soul, never have the enlightenment, never feel the excitement of touching the soul of another if you focus on what comes to you rather than on what you can give. Those who give of themselves to others find that they receive more back. Hard to believe? Then you haven’t tried it.

It’s 50 years of achieving independence tomorrow, we are still thinking like our fore-fathers. Wait a minute, we are worst than our fore-fathers. At least when they wanted to achieve independence, they managed to see beyond race and religious lines. They saw each human as their equal after the same thing. They knew that they had to work together to achieve a better life for themselves, they knew that had to work together to ensure a better future for their children and grandchildren.

But today? We have taken ten steps backwards. What are my allegations based on, you may ask? Simple really. I am experiencing it in my daily life. I see people so stuck in their ways, mixing from people from the same background as theirs, afraid of venturing out and broadening their horizons and learning new things different people have to offer. We no longer see people as another equal human being, but instead we are being segregated along racial lines.

And what’s with all the racial taunting we see everyday? How did this ever come about? Why is there a great need for one race to prove that they are better than the other races, even though their rights are well provided for in the constitution? Why do we still see the our elected wakil rakyat waving their keris and talking about Ketuanan Melayu? And why has the Parliamentary debates become so farcical? Why aren’t they instead debating more pertinent matters like why are many Malaysians out there are so disenchanted with the country? Why are they feeling like the grass is greener in another country? And it’s also very ironic that instead of making Malaysia a place for the rakyat to truly call their home, we are trying so hard to attract foreigners to make Malaysia their second home?

Today, we no longer see the assimilation of races. We no longer see children mixing outside their race. And what is even more sickening, they can’t bear to see someone from amongst them being friendly to someone who’s not the same skin colour as them. They will have a brainwashing session trying to make that person change his ways, as if he has committed the biggest crime on earth. It’s a wonder that this kind of thinking still exist today!

It’s been 50 years. And yet we have yet to fully achieve greatness to substantiate our existence as a country. We are still lagging behind countries like Japan, who had to endure near total devastation from 2 atomic bombs, we are still lagging behind Singapore that is not blessed with natural resources that we have, we are lagging behind India and China that are slowly emerging as the next superpower and economic giant. And what about us? We have yet to be united under Bangsa Malaysia. We are still picking at each other’s race and what their race are entitled too. Mind boggling.

I don’t know. To me, Merdeka is nothing much to celebrate about. Yes, we may have achieved much, but in many ways we are still backwards. We should not be wasting our time championing a particular race, instead we should be championing the cause of Malaysia. I’m sure in the eyes of the world, we are a laughing stock. And yet, I don’t see anyone capable of changing things for us, Malaysians.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”.

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too.

Have you ever woken up one day and thought, Yeah I’m up, so what now? Most of my days have now become a monotous routine of just going through the daily motions. Nothing much happens, except when I am bombarded with the same repetitive questions that is now the main reason my pubes are falling off.

There has to be more to life in’it? How long more am I supposed to roam this earth like a headless chicken married to my left hand so much so that my testicles now resemble that of a grapefruit? If someone were to cut me up, I’m sure that there’ll be bats flying out from my corpse. Nothing interesting ever happens that excites me anymore.

Last night as I were checking out my Friendster account (yes, I have one so sue me!), I’ve realized something. Most of my buds are married and now they all have a lot of little wasted sperm tagging along. Now that explains why I only have 4 best friends nowadays, and out of these 4, The Kakunz is busy chasing rich guys and The Cock is having his little penis bitch slapped all the way to Africa everyday. The Flying Pork Seller is now in a band trying to entice primary school girls to sleep with him being the pedophile that he is while the remaining friend, The Bing spends his days at home watching his porn collection while enjoying a plate of rice and curry.

So this brings me to question, how do you get a girl, someone who is so insecure about herself, to actually be involved with a guy? I’ve had my fair share of marriage proposals, most of them which I rejected on the basis of not having boobs big enough for me tit fuck (call me shallow but it’s every guys dream to tit fuck!). But seriously, was there a 4 credit hour’s class I missed back in college where the subject matter was on girls? And if there wasn’t such a class, it’s fucking time they should have one goddamnit!

So yeah, the conclusion of my latest nonsensical drivel is when the heck am I gonna get a girl to ask me to stand beside her under her umbrella…ella…ella…hey….hey hey??

When people ask me what’s the most annoying thing about a person, I would say it’s their dinner table manners. No where was a man’s breeding or lack thereof more on display than at the table. Nothing indicates a well bred man more than a proper mode of eating. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly “au fait”, dinner will betray him.

I mean isn’t it just absolutely disgusting when you are in the mood to enjoy your well prepared dinner, only to have your appetite ruined by the absolutely irritating and disgusting noises made by the other guests at the dinner table? Oh for god’s sake, please spare a thought for others at the table!! How would you like it if I went sllluurrrrp! Sluuurrrp! Slluurrrpp! with each mouthful? Oh wait, I forgot that you were raised by trailer park trash to have any feelings, my bad.

Table manners. It’s really easy to follow, and if you do follow them, rest assured the person sitting next to you will no longer feel like jabbing your eyes out with a spoon or puke all over your food! So without much further ado, here are a few simple table manners.

1. NEVER start eating before a signal from the host to do so.

2. Forks should not be turned over unless being used for eating peas, sweetcorn kernels, rice or other similar foods. In which case, it should be transferred to the right hand. However, at a casual buffet, or barbecue, it is quite acceptable to eat with just a fork.

3. When eating with fork and spoons, do not bang the fork or spoon or make any sound. As a general note, the base of the spoon or fork should never touch the plate when scooping up food. Don’t try to scoop up food and make noise with your cutlery as if your are playing drums.

4. It is not generally regarded as good dinner table etiquette to use one’s bread for dipping into soups or mopping up sauces.

5. Loud eating noises such as slurping and burping are very impolite. The number 1 sin of Dinner Table Etiquette! Save all your Slluurrpps for somewhere else, like when you want to enjoy the boogers you so meticulously picked from your nose!

6. Talking with one’s mouth full. Is not only unpleasant to watch, but could also lead to choking! Definately not a good idea!

7. Don’t stretch across the table crossing other guests to reach food, wine or condiments. Instead ask a guest sitting close to pass the item to you.

8. Good dinner table etiquette sometimes involves a degree of diplomacy when it comes to the host’s choice of food and wine! Even if you feel that you can do better, don’t ever offer your criticism. If you feel unable to pay any compliments, at least remain silent on the subject.

9. Picking teeth (unless toothpicks are provided) or licking fingers are very unattractive! The only exception to the latter is when eating meat or poultry on the bone (such as chicken legs or ribs). In which case, a finger bowl should be provided.

10. Don’t forget to make polite conversation with those guests around you. Dinner parties are not just about the food, they are intended to be a sociable occasion!

There I’ve outlined them. These simple rules would not change the fact that you were ill-bred, but heck, it sure can work wonders to mask the fact you were!

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he’s gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye, *Goodbye*

Yes. The day 07.07.07 has come and gone. How did you spend your day? Were you one of the countless millions sitting in front of the telly watching the Live Earth Concert that is supposedly intended to raise awareness of the climate change that is taking place in our world today? I feel that all this is a cheap attempt to publicize something serious without any concerted effort taken to make a stand. Sure, the organizers all proclaimed it to be a concert towards making the world a better place et. al.

I for one was not one of the millions who jumped onto the bandwagon. No, not me. I sat back and thought to myself. Yes, the world is sick and Mother Nature needs a hand. But being the pragmatic person that I am, I thought to myself, isn’t there a better way to help the world rather than having 24 hour concerts worldwide which consumes a shitload of electricity, which is generated by god knows how many barrels of oil and how many tons of coal, which in turn generated more greenhouse gasses? Kinda ironic moronic, wouldn’t you say? Also think of the amount of jet fuel that was consumed shipping all the performing artistes worldwide. It’s really mind boggling.

IF YOU’RE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, 07.07.07 SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DAY WHERE LIGHTS, AIR-CONDITIONING AND ELECTRIC GUZZLING GADGETS WERE SWITCHED OFF!! ZOMG. DUMB. IDIOTS!!! STOMPS WILDLY PLUCKING BIRD FEATHERS.

My other beef is that the person who invented toilet paper should be shot, or better yet he should be used to wipe each and everyone’s asses out there. This way, we could definitely save a lot of tress, leaves, cockroaches, lizard’s tongues and other vile and disgusting ingredients that is required to make toilet paper. If less tress were chopped down, there would be more water catchment areas, thus resulting in more rainfall, which would put the argument of using water instead of toilet paper would be doing more harm than good to bed. Think about it. Using something natural is always better than using something man made.

Anyway, I hope that the Live Earth Concert did manage to bring about some benefits. If not, better luck next year. So here’s wishing that 08.08.08 would be a day of energy conservation instead of it being a day more fuel is burnt to generate more electricity. I also hope that each of us would pledge to turn off our idiot boxes and air-conditioning.

Hi Dr. Nefarious,

Girl Desperate To Find True Love

Dear Desperate Housewife,

So you think that your boyfriend might be cheating on you? That really is the pits. But do you really want to know what is worse than that? It’s people’s lame ass status messages about how Transformers the movie was really awesome. The point is these people weren’t even born when transformers the cartoon made its rounds on the telly. Yet these pimply faced nerds are the ones who are screaming at the top of their tar laced lungs proclaiming to be such big fans of the cartoon.

Heck, when I was at the cinema queuing up to buy tickets to the movie, I saw a group of the most horrendously looking nerds salivating at their mouth getting all excited about the movie, and spewing random useless facts about Transformers. I hate it when these nerds always make a useless show as something their world revolves around. There are enough Star Trek and Star Wars nerds walking around, we don’t need another gathering for Transformers nerds. You don’t fucking own them, and you definitely didn’t create them, so please stop acting like you do.

Also, I feel sorry for these people because they didn’t have good cartoons to watch while growing up. When I was growing up, I had Tom & Jerry, The Road Runner, Bugs Bunny, Thundercats, He-Man, Mask, Transformers, Voltron and Alvin & The Chipmunks. The faggots nowadays are only suited to watching Teletubbies and god knows what else. So please stop envying us and stick to what your own nerdy generation has to offer you damn nerds!!!!!

People I come into contact with always ask me how I’m doing in this foreign land. Well I’m fine and dandy folks, albeit a bit peeved off with the buffoons around me. When they ask me what’s good about this country, I’ll tell them it’s a small island, big places, huge experience!

So to tempt you further to make this country your number one tourism destination, I have compiled a list of the great things this country has to offer. Heck, this country can even give the Visit Malaysia 2007 campaign a run for its money.

10. The weather. I can walk under the blazing sun without even breaking into a sweat. Now how many of you can last under the sun more than 1 minute back home?

9. The people. They are really a friendly lot. And if they know you’re a foreigner, they’ll be friendlier to you, as an attempt to con you out of your money.

8. You gain recognition. Where else can the taxi drivers (here the taxis are three wheelers like that of Thailand and India) recognize you by your face and scream at you to take the bus instead of travelling by their three wheelers just because we refuse to pay what they want?

7. Public transport is so damn efficient that you can hail a bus right from anywhere you want because there aren’t any proper bus stops. Example if you’re coming out from your office, you can just hail a bus at the main entrance of the building and get on it. Try doing this with Intrakota and you’ll get what I mean.

6. You can cross the roads without fear of being knocked down because here cars, bikes and buses will actually brake in time if they see pedestrians crossing the road. Failure to do so would result in the drivers being fined.

5. The food. Forget about the stuff you see people eating on Fear Factor. All you have to do is have the local sandwich which is made of bread, butter and green chillies, and a lot of chillies for breakfast. If you survive, it’s true that fear is not a factor.

4. Radiation. Every where you go, you have to walk through a metal detector and have your bags scanned. So if you’re an oncologist, this would be the ideal place for you to make it big and become rich.

3. If you love to gamble, you are treated like a king. The casinos here offer the highest percentage of winning worldwide, and also they provide free transport and food. Take a hint Lim Goh Tong.

2. Remember how back home you are appalled by the news of senseless rapes, killings and snatch thefts? Well don’t fret as all these are non-existent here. What they do have is random suicide bombings and air strikes.

1. Don’t you hate the countless lame ass adverts on tv? Well here the adverts are either about the airforce, police and the bomb disposal squads. Doesn’t that give you a sense of security?