Nefarious Wanker

Hey You,

I don’t know why we are playing hide and seek. We were fine before this. I noticed something amiss when you didn’t reply my sms. I thought you were busy with your stuff and I left it at that.

Hey You,

I saw you in the office today. And you pretended not to notice me at all. This is hard to do, as I was sitting right in front of the door. It was even stranger that you could notice our mutual friend who was sitting behind me. And when you walked up to him to say hi, you pretended that I didn’t exist.

Hey You,

If I had done anything to upset you, I am truly sorry. But as far as my memory serves me, I am sure I haven’t done anything wrong. I hope that you will tell me someday why we are avoiding each other now.

Hey You,

Or maybe the reason is I’m not good enough to be your friend, and that my face makes you want to puke. If that’s the case, then I have nothing to say. After all, I am God’s creation.

Happy Fuckin’ Birthday, from someone who doesn’t exist in your world!

I was reading the papers this morning and was appalled by the headlines which screamed ‘Off Peak Rebates for Highway Users.’ I am wondering which certified moron came up with this brilliant suggestion to offer lower toll rates for users of the LDP Highway during off peak hours.

According to the Transport Minister,

With lower tolls, users would be encouraged to stagger their journeys and lessen the congestion during peak hours.

This suggestion is doomed to fail, and it doesn’t need a rocket scientist to explain why. But then since the cabinet is filled with clowns, monkeys and Bigfoot, let me explain why this suggestion is doomed to fail even before it is implemented.

First of all, the roads are congested because of the hopeless public transport a.k.a RapidKL. The only thing rapid here is the rate of road users blood begins to boil each time they are caught in a jam. The public transport here is so ill-conceived that it does not serve the public at all. I too am wondering what purpose it serves.

Secondly, to make this suggestion a success, may I suggest that the work hours be staggered as well? If the current work hours remain 9 to 5, there’s no way in hell people are going to wake up at 4 a.m. to get to work which starts at 9 a.m. So how about government agencies switching their work hours from 5 a.m. to 1 p.m.? And the private sector business hours remain the same. I am sure this will drastically reduce traffic congestion during peak hours.

To further reduce traffic congestion, may I go one step further to suggest that all the ministers’ government car privileges are revoked and make it mandatory for them to use public transport? This would be killing two birds with one stone, as traffic congestion will be drastically reduced and the government expenditure can also be reduced as they no longer have to pay for the official cars and their maintenance. This money could then be channeled to fund improvements in the public transport infrastructure.

Until the powers that be are not willing to give up their comfy official cars and drivers, I think they are not in the position to actually sit down and give serious effort in resolving the transportation problems. Until then, Semuanya OK!

One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan’s biggest cosmetics companies.

The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty.

Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manning by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, did not get into complications of X-rays, etc but instead came out with another solution.

He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral of the story: always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problem..

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn’t work at zero gravity (Ink won’t flow down to the writing surface).In order to solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million.. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C. And what did Russians do………………..??

The Russians used a Pencil !!!

So, learn to focus on solutions not on problems “If you look at what you do not have in life, you don’t have anything” “If you look at what you have in life, you have everything”

I’ve been taking the monorail for the past week to get to work, and my god….what a poorly designed form of public transportation. The station is quite a distance to walk from the so called transportation hub of KL. Somebody was sleeping during the design stage, and some equally sleepy head guy must have approved the stupid plans. It’s such a pain to use, and instead of providing a fast and convenient form of transport, it is such a hassle a to use!

What’s my beef with the monorail? Well for one, look at the station. It’s a far walk from KL Sentral, and the last end of the walkway is not covered. Now imagine walking under the hot sun in your power suit and lugging your briefcase/laptop/lunch box. By the time you reach the station, you’ll be left breathless. And imagine on a rainy day, you’ll be stuck in the station cursing the powers that be who designed the station for not including a covered walkway. How can anyone leave out something so basic from the plans??

Then there’s the ticketing counters. Too little ticketing counters and no automated ticketing machines. But wait a minute, even if there were automated ticketing machines, most of the time it wouldn’t except notes, or worse yet, it’ll be out of service. Then there’s the issue of the ticket itself. Why the hell is there only one entrance that accepts Touch N’ Go? What’s all the big hoo haa about promoting the usage of the electronic payment? Is it so difficult to have all the entrances equipped with the Touch N’ Go card readers? And why the heck is there only three entrances to serve a gazillion passengers? Not many people enjoy being herded like cows you know.

Once you have gone through the pain of purchasing the tickets, you now have to go to the upper level. Most of the time the escalator is out of service, and you have to take the stairs. Another sign of poor maintenance culture. We are paying for it, and we deserve to get what we paid for for fuck’s sake! Then the station alone is not disabled friendly, as I don’t see how a person in a wheelchair or crutches will be able to make it to the upper platform.

Then there’s the monorail carriage itself. Only two carriages to serve the morning rush hour? Are you for real? How could have someone fuck up something so simple? Malaysia is not the first country to have implemented this form of mass rapid transit. We should have looked at other countries to see how they have designed their system and taken a leaf or two out of their book. But no, being Malaysians, we just had to be egotistical and be different, and proceed to be such a fuck up in the process. Who’s laughing now? Definitely not the daily users who are herded in to the carriages and have to put up with the stench of smelly armpits. I truly salute you people.

Oh and another thing, what is the load limit? I shudder in fear to see the carriages packed to the brim, and I hope that no untoward incident occurs, like the monorail toppling over, killing everyone inside it as well as the people below. Do we need to wait for a tragedy to strike before remedial action will be taken? Oh wait….I forgot that this Bolehland!

Have you been following the erection updates? Who’s in the lead, and who’s gonna come crashing down hor?Has the area around your house been turned into a mess, with all the ugly mugshots of the candidates contesting in the erection hanging from ebeli tree, lamp post and signboard, enough to make you want to rip those ah gua off?

Are wa lang really that fickle? How many of you will acherly think that by shoving these ugly mugshots down our throats ebelilay that wa lang will eventually vote for them? Is that the main criteria on how wa lang should form a decision on who to vote for? By choosing the candidate whose poster is hanging on the highest coconut tree, the number of posters a candidate has decorating the roundabout or the candidate with the fanciest decoration of posters? Come on man, prease don’t waste our time and yours. Nabeh! We liao liao have lagi best things to do, like figuring how to make ends meet each month.

Don’t these jokers stop and think si mi will happen after the erection period is over? All these posters will probably end up wrapping somebody’s kacang putih, nasi remak or even be recycled into jo cake paper which will end up wiping someone’s arse? Limpeh for one wouldn’t want my lan jiao picture to end up this way. Just think about it, your face kissing someone’s arse surrounded by shit one. This would really bring meaning to the term ass-kissing.

Hamik wa lang want as the voters are not more empty promises. Limpeh for one gets really pissed off flipping through the newspapers ebelilay to see all the countless warnings about how wa lang are throwing our future away if wa lang vote the inexperienced opposition into power. Like hello?? IF EXPERIENCE IS ALL THAT MATTERS, WE WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN A MAN ON THE MOON, WE WOULDN’T HAVE BUILT THE HOOVER DAM, THERE WOULD BE NO EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES. WE WOULDN’T HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE WORLD IS ROUND, OR THAT THE PLANET REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN. Just think about it one.

So this erections, prease use your vote wisely and vote with your conscience. Vote who you want to vote for and not vote for who the garblement wants you to vote for. Hopefully the next 5 years would be lagi best and wa lang will see some change. Let’s not hope that we’ll end up like Burma, Afghanistan and whatever-stan.

The erection election fever is around the corner. I have stopped reading the news because I feel disgusted to see all the empty election promises thrown around like no tomorrow. People are still dumb to listen to what the gomen have to say. One thing for sure, petrol prices are bound to increase after BN has gotten the fresh mandate to do so. A simple milo tarik costs RM1.60 so I shudder in fear to imagine how much petrol is gonna cost in the near future.

“Oil prices hit US100 a barrel, government cannot afford to subsidize anymore!” screams the mainstream media. But wait a minute, Malaysia is a NET exporter of oil, shouldn’t Petronas be making a shitload of money each time oil prices increases, bringing in more revenue to the country? Why do we need to pay more? Something is not right here.

Oh well, once the petrol price increases, everything else will go up as well, except the flaccid dicks of many *ahems*. I weep for NegaraKu. It’s time we did something to change our fate, but sadly most of us are living in a state of denial. Most of us haven’t even registered to be voters, while most of us are interested in watching fictitious characters weeping non-stop on the idiot box. We should be weeping for our future for god’s sake!

I love music. I can’t live without music. Why do you ask? Well imagine you living on a small island, the only person who is cultured enough to explore new things while the people around me are trapped in their own ways going ching chong ching chong che ke na ke che ke nake wor po che tau kanina chow cibai…. which is so damn irritating thatI just wish that a bolt of lightning would strike me and and put me out of my misery. So in order to avoid these fucktards, I turn to music. And the year 2007 has seen few good albums released, and here are my favorites in no particular order.

1. The Reminder by Feist
For fans of Feist, this album does not disappoint one bit. This one is a bit more hushed and ballad heavy, but maintains an indie-minded blend of confessional pop, jazzy folk, and lo-fi torch songs. Throughout, the record profits from a simple, unfussy aesthetic that keeps the production minimal and the emphasis squarely on Feist’s cracking, wistful vibrato. Everything sounds deliberate, but not obsessed over, like an e-mailed wedding invitation. It’s a low-pressure vibe, welcoming and content to linger. And linger you I did.

2. Graduation by Kanye West
I must admit, I was never a fan of Kanye West. But this album really made me sit up and take notice of him. The songs here are really catchy, and teaming up with recent chart toppers only serve to make this album a blast to listen to. True, Kanye West will happily whine about the pitfalls at the top of the heap, clear his throat and try to rhyme it with Barry Bonds, or diss fish in a barrel all day, but that can’t stop a shameless good time, and Graduation maintains an unshakable knack for producing it. This is defintely the best rap album I’ve owned.

3. As I Am by Alicia Keys
Ok. It’s been like 1o years since she burst on the scene with her song ‘Fallin’ which has been played to death by Hitz.fm. 10 years on, she’s still making good music. To me, As I Am is her best album yet, and all the songs here are enjoyable. This is the 2nd album besides Graduation that been getting lots of airplay in my playlist. Her commitment is not to a single style but to what’s stirring her soul. Because of it, she’s moving R&B, or something like it, from the hips back to the heart.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He brags, ‘In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice.’

The Bangladeshi obviously impressed by this drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.’

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi. He says, ‘In KL we have so many Indon and Bangla that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.’