Nefarious Wanker

I was reading the papers this morning and was appalled by the headlines which screamed ‘Off Peak Rebates for Highway Users.’ I am wondering which certified moron came up with this brilliant suggestion to offer lower toll rates for users of the LDP Highway during off peak hours.

According to the Transport Minister,

With lower tolls, users would be encouraged to stagger their journeys and lessen the congestion during peak hours.

This suggestion is doomed to fail, and it doesn’t need a rocket scientist to explain why. But then since the cabinet is filled with clowns, monkeys and Bigfoot, let me explain why this suggestion is doomed to fail even before it is implemented.

First of all, the roads are congested because of the hopeless public transport a.k.a RapidKL. The only thing rapid here is the rate of road users blood begins to boil each time they are caught in a jam. The public transport here is so ill-conceived that it does not serve the public at all. I too am wondering what purpose it serves.

Secondly, to make this suggestion a success, may I suggest that the work hours be staggered as well? If the current work hours remain 9 to 5, there’s no way in hell people are going to wake up at 4 a.m. to get to work which starts at 9 a.m. So how about government agencies switching their work hours from 5 a.m. to 1 p.m.? And the private sector business hours remain the same. I am sure this will drastically reduce traffic congestion during peak hours.

To further reduce traffic congestion, may I go one step further to suggest that all the ministers’ government car privileges are revoked and make it mandatory for them to use public transport? This would be killing two birds with one stone, as traffic congestion will be drastically reduced and the government expenditure can also be reduced as they no longer have to pay for the official cars and their maintenance. This money could then be channeled to fund improvements in the public transport infrastructure.

Until the powers that be are not willing to give up their comfy official cars and drivers, I think they are not in the position to actually sit down and give serious effort in resolving the transportation problems. Until then, Semuanya OK!

I’ve been taking the monorail for the past week to get to work, and my god….what a poorly designed form of public transportation. The station is quite a distance to walk from the so called transportation hub of KL. Somebody was sleeping during the design stage, and some equally sleepy head guy must have approved the stupid plans. It’s such a pain to use, and instead of providing a fast and convenient form of transport, it is such a hassle a to use!

What’s my beef with the monorail? Well for one, look at the station. It’s a far walk from KL Sentral, and the last end of the walkway is not covered. Now imagine walking under the hot sun in your power suit and lugging your briefcase/laptop/lunch box. By the time you reach the station, you’ll be left breathless. And imagine on a rainy day, you’ll be stuck in the station cursing the powers that be who designed the station for not including a covered walkway. How can anyone leave out something so basic from the plans??

Then there’s the ticketing counters. Too little ticketing counters and no automated ticketing machines. But wait a minute, even if there were automated ticketing machines, most of the time it wouldn’t accept notes, or worse yet, it’ll be out of service. Then there’s the issue of the ticket itself. Why the hell is there only one entrance that accepts Touch N’ Go? What’s all the big hoo haa about promoting the usage of the electronic payment? Is it so difficult to have all the entrances equipped with the Touch N’ Go card readers? And why the heck is there only three entrances to serve a gazillion passengers? Not many people enjoy being herded like cows you know.

Once you have gone through the pain of purchasing the tickets, you now have to go to the upper level. Most of the time the escalator is out of service, and you have to take the stairs. Another sign of poor maintenance culture. We are paying for it, and we deserve to get what we paid for for fuck’s sake! Then the station alone is not disabled friendly, as I don’t see how a person in a wheelchair or crutches will be able to make it to the upper platform.

Then there’s the monorail carriage itself. Only two carriages to serve the morning rush hour? Are you for real? How could have someone fuck up something so simple? Malaysia is not the first country to have implemented this form of mass rapid transit. We should have looked at other countries to see how they have designed their system and taken a leaf or two out of their book. But no, being Malaysians, we just had to be egotistical and be different, and proceed to be such a fuck up in the process. Who’s laughing now? Definitely not the daily users who are herded in to the carriages and have to put up with the stench of smelly armpits. I truly salute you people.

Oh and another thing, what is the load limit? I shudder in fear to see the carriages packed to the brim, and I hope that no untoward incident occurs, like the monorail toppling over, killing everyone inside it as well as the people below. Do we need to wait for a tragedy to strike before remedial action will be taken? Oh wait….I forgot that this Bolehland!

Have you been following the erection updates? Who’s in the lead, and who’s gonna come crashing down hor?Has the area around your house been turned into a mess, with all the ugly mugshots of the candidates contesting in the erection hanging from ebeli tree, lamp post and signboard, enough to make you want to rip those ah gua off?

Are wa lang really that fickle? How many of you will acherly think that by shoving these ugly mugshots down our throats ebelilay that wa lang will eventually vote for them? Is that the main criteria on how wa lang should form a decision on who to vote for? By choosing the candidate whose poster is hanging on the highest coconut tree, the number of posters a candidate has decorating the roundabout or the candidate with the fanciest decoration of posters? Come on man, prease don’t waste our time and yours. Nabeh! We liao liao have lagi best things to do, like figuring how to make ends meet each month.

Don’t these jokers stop and think si mi will happen after the erection period is over? All these posters will probably end up wrapping somebody’s kacang putih, nasi remak or even be recycled into jo cake paper which will end up wiping someone’s arse? Limpeh for one wouldn’t want my lan jiao picture to end up this way. Just think about it, your face kissing someone’s arse surrounded by shit one. This would really bring meaning to the term ass-kissing.

Hamik wa lang want as the voters are not more empty promises. Limpeh for one gets really pissed off flipping through the newspapers ebelilay to see all the countless warnings about how wa lang are throwing our future away if wa lang vote the inexperienced opposition into power. Like hello?? IF EXPERIENCE IS ALL THAT MATTERS, WE WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN A MAN ON THE MOON, WE WOULDN’T HAVE BUILT THE HOOVER DAM, THERE WOULD BE NO EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES. WE WOULDN’T HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE WORLD IS ROUND, OR THAT THE PLANET REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN. Just think about it one.

So this erections, prease use your vote wisely and vote with your conscience. Vote who you want to vote for and not vote for who the garblement wants you to vote for. Hopefully the next 5 years would be lagi best and wa lang will see some change. Let’s not hope that we’ll end up like Burma, Afghanistan and whatever-stan.

The erection election fever is around the corner. I have stopped reading the news because I feel disgusted to see all the empty election promises thrown around like no tomorrow. People are still dumb to listen to what the gomen have to say. One thing for sure, petrol prices are bound to increase after BN has gotten the fresh mandate to do so. A simple milo tarik costs RM1.60 so I shudder in fear to imagine how much petrol is gonna cost in the near future.

“Oil prices hit US100 a barrel, government cannot afford to subsidize anymore!” screams the mainstream media. But wait a minute, Malaysia is a NET exporter of oil, shouldn’t Petronas be making a shitload of money each time oil prices increases, bringing in more revenue to the country? Why do we need to pay more? Something is not right here.

Oh well, once the petrol price increases, everything else will go up as well, except the flaccid dicks of many *ahems*. I weep for NegaraKu. It’s time we did something to change our fate, but sadly most of us are living in a state of denial. Most of us haven’t even registered to be voters, while most of us are interested in watching fictitious characters weeping non-stop on the idiot box. We should be weeping for our future for god’s sake!

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds (like me!), and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are… plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such… but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra… all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models… They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo…”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind…”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on…” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code… a geek can dream).

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce…

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps…

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

Yes. The day 07.07.07 has come and gone. How did you spend your day? Were you one of the countless millions sitting in front of the telly watching the Live Earth Concert that is supposedly intended to raise awareness of the climate change that is taking place in our world today? I feel that all this is a cheap attempt to publicize something serious without any concerted effort taken to make a stand. Sure, the organizers all proclaimed it to be a concert towards making the world a better place et. al.

I for one was not one of the millions who jumped onto the bandwagon. No, not me. I sat back and thought to myself. Yes, the world is sick and Mother Nature needs a hand. But being the pragmatic person that I am, I thought to myself, isn’t there a better way to help the world rather than having 24 hour concerts worldwide which consumes a shitload of electricity, which is generated by god knows how many barrels of oil and how many tons of coal, which in turn generated more greenhouse gasses? Kinda ironic moronic, wouldn’t you say? Also think of the amount of jet fuel that was consumed shipping all the performing artistes worldwide. It’s really mind boggling.

IF YOU’RE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, 07.07.07 SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DAY WHERE LIGHTS, AIR-CONDITIONING AND ELECTRIC GUZZLING GADGETS WERE SWITCHED OFF!! ZOMG. DUMB. IDIOTS!!! STOMPS WILDLY PLUCKING BIRD FEATHERS.

My other beef is that the person who invented toilet paper should be shot, or better yet he should be used to wipe each and everyone’s asses out there. This way, we could definitely save a lot of tress, leaves, cockroaches, lizard’s tongues and other vile and disgusting ingredients that is required to make toilet paper. If less tress were chopped down, there would be more water catchment areas, thus resulting in more rainfall, which would put the argument of using water instead of toilet paper would be doing more harm than good to bed. Think about it. Using something natural is always better than using something man made.

Anyway, I hope that the Live Earth Concert did manage to bring about some benefits. If not, better luck next year. So here’s wishing that 08.08.08 would be a day of energy conservation instead of it being a day more fuel is burnt to generate more electricity. I also hope that each of us would pledge to turn off our idiot boxes and air-conditioning.

There is something wrong with me. I’ve realized that I no longer have the freedom to do who I may fancy. Now I have a permanent ball and chain around my ankles and man it’s not good. But anyway, since I’m overseas, what you don’t know won’t hurt you right?

Anyway, I’ve been fed useless mind drivel from Vh1, and the video that is making me puke most is that of Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend. Why is that whenever an artiste reaches a certain age, they have the misguided delusion that branching into the pop genre is the way to move forward? In my not so important opinion and in the words of Simon Cowell it’s a complete and utter mess to do so.

I may not be a fan of hers, but I have to admit, she does have some pretty good rock tunes you could listen to in her previous two albums. Now, it’s pure hogwash. I think someone needs to tell her to sack her management team, so that whenever I turn on the telly, I wouldn’t have to see her anorexic body prancing around while wailing at the top of her voice. Dump the pop, and more rock please, thank you very much.

And finally! It’s been a long time coming, but finally the people have voted out Sanjaya! Kudos to that.

Remember my rant, Are You For Real?

Well, the good people have replied, for the 2nd time mind you, and I have reposted it here for you guys to decide if it’s a good enough explanation.

We write with reference to your email of 09th February 2007 received by us at SriLankan Customer Affairs.

Firstly we apologise for any inconvenience faced by you during your recent scheduled travel with us. We were concerned at the points highlighted by you.

Our investigation reveals that you were initially booked to travel on board UL312/08th February 2007. As the flight was heavily committed you were requested to be on standby until this situation eased. However as the flight continued to remain heavily committed, we were unable to accommodate you on this flight. We wish to assure you that your scheduled flight UL312/08th February 2007 operated on schedule. However our flight UL316/08th February was cancelled and all passengers travelling on that particular flight have been advised accordingly.

Our records indicate that as you required to travel the same day, alternate arrangements were made for you to travel on board EK348/08th February 2007 departing from Colombo to Singapore a few hours later and onwards to Kuala Lumpur on board JL721/08th February.We sincerely regret if we were unable to upgrade you to Business Class on board your alternate flight.

We sincerely regret any inconvenience that you may have faced as a result of this situation and if you felt that our colleagues at Colombo Airport did not handle the situation professionally and did not keep you informed. We do not condone any service that falls below the strict levels of our service delivery and we have voiced our strongest concerns about this with the relevant management.

We wish to assure you that your valuable feedback will help us rectify areas in which our service is not up to our valued customer expectations.We hope that your recent travel with us would not have marred your impression of SriLankan Airlines and look forward to your presence with us once again in the near future.

Note: Further details have been removed to protect their confidentiality. But the gist of it is I have been offered some form of compensation.

Dear Sir / Madam,

I would like to bring to your attention the trouble I had to endure while I was at the Bandaranaike International Airport, Colombo.

I have made my reservations for flight UL 312 and the departure date was scheduled on the 8th February 2007. However, upon reaching the airport within the stipulated time and after waiting in line for 1 HOUR TO CHECK IN, I was informed that the flight has been finalized and I’ve been offloaded without any further explanation given.

I was then requested by the staff at the check in counter to have a seat while they try to put me on the next available flight. I was exasperated as I had a deadline to meet in Kuala Lumpur by 2pm the same day. What bothers me is that the staff failed to recognize the severity of the matter and kept asking me to take a seat. When I requested to speak to her manager, she deftly told me that her boss is busy and will not entertain me.

Once the situation calmed down, I did manage to speak to the manager on duty, and was informed that the earlier flight UL 316 was cancelled and passengers from that flight were transferred to UL 312. If the flight was cancelled, why didn’t anyone take the trouble to inform us? Why wasn’t any announcements made over the public address system and why wasn’t special counters opened to serve those who were affected immediately? Why did we have to wait in line for 1 hour and upon reaching my turn to check in, I was told that I was offloaded? A lot of trouble could have been spared if I was informed earlier on of any changes to my flight.

When I pestered about the next available flight, the staff were dilly – dallying and were not forthcoming with the necessary information. I had to continuously ask them questions to get the details of the flight. I was also given excuses that all the other flights on other airlines are fully booked and that I should return to the airport for the next flight which was scheduled for the 9th February 2007 at 00.10 am. As I had to be in Kuala Lumpur on urgent matters, I refused and asked to be put on the next available flight.

The staff at the check in counters was not sensitive to my predicament. She even misplaced my ticket and all the while kept asking me for my name and my flight details. How many times do I need to repeat my name? All the necessary details are stated in my ticket. Just need to be more alert and read the ticket.

When I asked if I would be given an upgrade to Business Class, she replied no. When I asked the duty manager from Emirates, he said it was not within his power to upgrade me to Business Class because Emirates wasn’t the airlines responsible for my troubles and since SriLankan was the airlines that mishandled me, I should seek clarification from them. When I enquired, they said they upgrade is only applicable if I was flying on SriLankan and it’s not their policy to upgrade me on other airlines. In my experience, if this was to happen to any other airlines, they would automatically upgrade to another class, no questions asked because they would truly appreciate their passengers who chose to fly with them. In the end, I did not get any form of compensation from SriLankan and I am questioning if SriLankan truly appreciates their customers, especially those that frequently fly on SriLankan.

I hope to get a better understanding from SriLankan regarding this matter. I appreciate your time and effort in resolving this issue. Thanking you in advance,

NW

Walking through the city all day
Cause the filth stole my license
It doesn’t get me down and I feel ok
Cause the sights that I’m seeing are priceless

Everything seems to look as it should
But I wonder what goes on behind doors
A fella looking dapper, and he’s sittin with a slapper
Then I see it’s a pimp and his crack whore

You might laugh you might frown
Walkin’ round *& town

Sun is in the sky oh why oh why ?
Would I wanna be anywhere else
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why ?
Would I wanna be anywhere else

When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
you can see it’s all lies

There was a little old lady, who was walkin down the road
She was struggling with bags from Tesco
There were people from the city havin lunch in the mamak
I believe that is called al fresco
Then a kid came along to offer a hand

But before she had time to accept it
hits her over the head, doesn’t care if she’s dead
Cause he’s got all her jewellery and wallet

You might laugh you might frown
walkin round *& town

When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
you can see it’s all lies

Life, yeah that’s city life, yeah that’s city life, yeah that’s city life
Life, yeah that’s city life, yeah that’s city life, yeah that’s city life

When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
You can see its all lies

*An edit of Lily Allen’s LDN