Nefarious Wanker

Last night I stayed up quite late. I was being a big jerk to some people because of my current unstable hormones. I don’t know why but moving on is not as easy as it seems. But I am making every effort to do so. But then before I logged off something happened that tore me to bits. It seems the tranquility of the nite just shattered at that moment. I was really tired, but sleep was not forthcoming and I just lay in bed until 6 am. By 7.30 am I didn’t get my required 40 winks and that’s when I decided to fuck it and get ready to work.

During the drive to work and on the monorail to the client’s office I keep telling myself to be positive. But as soon as I got to my room at the client’s office, I was feeling dizzy and couldn’t breathe well. I sat down and the room didn’t stop spinning. And I did nothing and just sat down there thinking this is how my life will actually end, alone in a corner somewhere because of something trivial that really had a big impact on me.

This past week has been a whirlwheel of emotions. One week I’m king of the world like Leonardo D’Caprio in Titanic, another moment I’m down in the darkest abyss where the light never shines, so much so I just spend the whole day in my room under the covers listening to soppy Backstreet Boys songs and wondering why I am so unlucky? Why is it that no matter what I do, I will be always the one that will be cast aside like some used toilet tissue that is used to wipe someone’s arse? What have I ever done to deserve such humiliation? Can someone please explain to me? Please?

When you wanted to talk to someone I was there for you. In fact, I am still there for you. But for how long more? I feel that you definitely cannot bake the cake and have it for yourself. It takes two to tango, every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. I cannot be the one who’s giving everything without getting anything in return. Then at the end of it all I’m a bigger loser jerk. No, it cannot be like this anymore. The pain and humiliation is too much to bare.

So here’s me doing the best thing for me, myself and I that is not giving a damn about anything anymore. I am broken. Kicked in the nuts. Dumped in thrash. Will it ever be blue skies and everything nice again for me? I doubt it. I seriously do. Well that’s just life. No one dies a virgin because life screws us all.

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain

Living like this is unhealthy. It’s time I moved past this and not get tied down by uncontrollable emotions and hormones. I will try to keep myself under control. If this means we severe all ties, then so be it. This is better than making empty promises such as We can still be friends when in all honesty, this will never be the case. There will always be a little constant reminder of the past and this will lead to many awkward moments.

I’ve realized in the past couple of weeks, I did stuff I shouldn’t have done, and in the process I may have caused some hurt to some people. Any words of apologies from me is beginning to sound like a broken record, but I am truly sorry. If you do not forgive me, then that’s entirely your choice.

But please remember this, that it’s been fun having fun with you. But like all good things this must come to an end as well. Friendships may come to an end, but memories last forever. So this is me wishing you all the best and do take care!

Really didn’t think I was gonna make it
Really didn’t think I was gonna make it this way
Put on my robot face
Hide my emotions way far away from me.

Oh No! Another boy band entitled entry. What’s up with boy bands and me anyway? I don’t know. Sometimes I have to admit, there are days when I feel like listening to a boy band song, just like when I have cravings for a good steak or a shag. Anyhoo…

So last month when I visited my parents like in a long time, we came upon discussing the big date. The big date here is when I am going to end my swinging bachelor days, give up all my toys and gadgets, stop being a smart ass and give in to having a ball and chain permanently placed around my legs and finally stop thinking of myself and commit myself to taking care of someone else.

Do I hear you asking when as well? Well the answer is simple. End of this year. Which year? Why, 2007 of course. When exactly in the end of 2007? The date is on Boxing Day, 2007. But Nefarious, I remember a few months back you were after someone and was professing your love for her and that didn’t work out, so who is the lucky person? I also remember you being a sort of loner, one never to mix around and a reserved person. How? What? Where? Who? When?

Well, things have changed. Like Sheryl Crow used to say, A Change Will Do You Good.That’s all for this shocking and life altering news. Right now, I will go back listening to This I Promise You.

It’s been the worst 5 weeks of my life. I was alone at work for 2 weeks and I had to support 150 branches all by myself. Many things took place, and most of the time it was unexpected. But thankfully I got through it and am now feeling more confident with myself.

But now the toughest part of my life is meeting my parents, and have a long and hard talk about my bride to be. A part of me has no idea what to expect, or how my parents would react, but then again the best things in life requires some very tough decision making.

Well I hope I come through this unscathed. Time to grab the bull(the girl) by the horns(hands).

When you guys think of me, what would be your thoughts?

I want to know.

I need to change.

I am too blind not to see.

Be brutally honest. Thanks.

I still remember when I first laid my eyes on you. It was precisely 10 years ago today. I remember I was a snot filled boy fresh out of school venturing far away from my mothers armpits to start life anew in a foreign place with new friends and a new environment.

But what is a boy like me to do when I was finally released from my cocoon and granted the freedom I’ve always dreamt off? The feeling surpasses even the feeling when I had my first wet dream. So I knew that I can now play truant without ever worrying being caught. I was no longer in my hometown, where every Tom and Harry’s Dick is a friend of my dad.

So there I was skipping my chemistry lectures so that I can be the first in line to taste the steaming hot chicken curry in the cafeteria. Who cares about sulphates and the periodic table when there’s hot steaming chicken curry waiting just a floor down from the lecture theater. So I packed my stuff and headed downstairs when I bumped into you.

I remembered telling you not to bother attending the chemistry lectures because the lecturer is a real snooze fest. Little did I know that it turns out that the lecturer was your dad. And you stood allowing me to ramble on and on and on. Imagine how embarrassed I must have felt when I found out.

Your soft and silky hair that smelled heavenly. I like the way your eyebrows are arched. Oh and don’t get me started on your smile. Whenever I was in the dumps, all I had to do was think of your smile and I would be happy immediately. And your voice. I like the way you sound when you call out my name in a fit of anger. That was the highlight of our friendship.

Little did I know we would hit it off. Little did I know that you’d be my date when our faculty had a dinner cum open house celebrations. I was mesmerized when you walked up on stage in that shiny sequined silver dress of yours. When you picked up that electric guitar and started playing, I knew there and then that we were made for each other. The way you sang and danced and swayed your beautifully shaped hips blew me away. You still do. Dulu. Kini dan Selamanya.

If there was a person on this earth that blows me away at first sight, it’s you. If there was a person that makes others wonder what a person like me is doing with a lady like you, it’s you. If there’s a person that every guy wants as their lawfully wedded wife, it’s you. And for that, here’s to 10 years of undeminishing love. You. My one and only.

It’s funny how that at one point of time, I found you attractive.

It’s funny how that at one point of time, you were all that I could think of.

It’s funny how that at one point of time, I truly admired you to no end.

It’s funny how that at one point of time, I truly missed you.

It’s funny how that at one point of time, you were the poster girl of my phone.

It’s funny how that at one point of time, I enjoyed your company.

It’s funny how that at one point of time, I made the effort to keep in touch.

But…

It’s definitely NOT funny when I was insulted.

It’s definitely NOT funny when I was accused of being a devil in disguise.

It’s definitely NOT funny when eventhough I was the one who was insulted, yet I was the one who apologized.

It’s definitely NOT funny when the stuff I got for you is still lying in my room.

It’s definitely NOT funny when we are no longer in contact.

It’s definitely NOT funny that I no longer see you in the same light as I once did.

Have you ever woke up one day and questioned what the hell you are doing with your life? I do that everyday. Instead of thinking what to have for breakfast or what colour underwear I should wear for the day, I question what the hell I’m doing in this foreign place.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of being overseas. But somehow, the novelty of the idea is wearing thin. There’s nothing much to do here except to work, eat, sleep and the occasional shitting. I say occasional because the food here is not like the normal gastronomical experience I have back home so I hardly eat much over here. Less food in = less shit out.

I can’t do much here. I don’t have anyone to talk the stuff I like to talk about. There’s nothing left for me to do except to touch myself inappropriately. Each time I read a book I fall asleep after reading one page. Each time I watch a movie, I fall asleep halfway through it. But when I’m back home, I hardly sleep. I can spend the nights reading or watching movies non-stop.

What about the people here I hear you asking? Gosh don’t get me started on them. What a bunch of weirdos. The way they do things, the way they think and the way they behave, all I can say is no wonder the fighting has been going on for years. If only they would stop for a minute and think of their future, things would be so much better.

What should a person do when one finds out the truth about themselves? Like today as I was chatting with a college mate, she finally revealed that she regretted noticing me but not making any move back then, and now that after finding out what I truly am, she asked me if I too had the same regret. My answer: of course I do, and I would do anything to change that.

She was the hottest gal in college. Heads turned where ever she went. Every guy used to talk about her, tried their best to chat her up but all were left in crumbles after failing to gain her attention. Didn’t know that secretly, she was eyeing me. A part time model, who could have any guy, noticed me, a big nobody. I tell you, after finding that out, I was speechless.

So I guess that I’m lucky all this while to have kept in touch with her, to have her in my IM list. And the things she said, was really really touching. But I guess our infatuation will just remain there. So is this something we are both going to pursue? I think not. We have a beautiful friendship and she doesn’t want to ruin it. Better to be friends than to be enemies, right?

Then she also said something which was an epiphany for me. She said all the while I was going after the wrong type of girls. Girls who think highly of themselves. Girls who are materialistic. Girls who have too much pride. Girls who don’t really know what kind of person I am. Girls who are too blind to see the gem in front of their eyes. She also said that I should be careful of who I befriend because nowadays girls can’t be trusted.

Oh my god. I am at a lost for words. Why of all the people in college, who are definitely much more good looking and richer than me, I was still the one that caught her eye? Her reply:

Because you are truly a man and you’ve got character.

Enough said. Today she really made my day. Today I am so happy. Today she made me forget my troubles, she made me forget someone, she made me feel wanted. And I truly appreciate her for doing that.

You and I know
That our paths are separating

You’ll live in my memories even after you’re gone
Never say goodbye

Whatever happiness we had is lost
Now there’s only a sadness which won’t go away

I tried to make it understand, I tried to reason with it
But this heart is such it can’t find any peace

Are these tears or live coals
It feels like it rains fire from my eyes

Seasons come and go
But the season of pain doesn’t change

The colors of my misery are so deep
They won’t fade away for centuries

Who knows what’s going to happen
And who knows what else we have to endure

Never say goodbye
Never say goodbye