Nefarious Wanker

1. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

2. Why is the man who invests all your money called a ‘broker’?

3. Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

4. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

5. Why are the obituaries found in the “living” section of the newspaper?

6. Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?

7. How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?

8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

10. What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

The more deeply you understand people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.
- Stephen R. Covey

I send this quote out with the full knowledge that most people have not experienced and will likely never have the experience of touching the soul of another human being.

Set aside any concepts you have about (or negative feelings against) the human soul. They are irrelevant to the discussion.

We tend to think of the soul as something revealed to us by the religion of our childhood, something we have when we are born. I disagree. I believe the soul is something you find during your lifetime, if you are fortunate. Soul is God within you. Either you can feel it under certain conditions or you cannot. If you can’t, you likely have not discovered the essence of your soul. You may never find it if you look to others to grant it to you.

To “walk on holy ground” is not just for those who have been “born again in Jesus” or who are Sufi Muslims or mystics of other flavours. What Covey means by this is something akin to an enlightenment, a very special feeling that can’t be described in words to those who have not experienced it.

Those who deeply understand people appreciate how similar we are, whether man or woman, mechanic or doctor, terrorist or preacher, child or ascetic.

Am I saying that you are like a terrorist who would blow up himself (or herself) as well as many others? Yes, at the core we are all the same. We all have the same needs. We may react differently when our needs are not met. And that happens a great deal more than most of us realize. More than some of us want to know or acknowledge.

Statistics have noted that terrorists often have college degrees and come from middle class families. But education does not come from school. School only teaches us how to educate ourselves. I received my baccalaureate when I could barely read, in fact never having read a prescribed course text. I could only read a tiny bit better when I received my postgraduate degree. No one today would deny my education.

We have needs that most of us do not realize. When those needs are not met, we can’t focus on advancing ourselves in other ways, be they intellectually, socially or otherwise.

In order to “walk on holy ground,” to feel the enlightenment, to have an appreciation of the human soul, to understand the reality of God and to have the experience of touching the soul of another, we must have our needs met. Those needs include social and emotional needs as well as physical and intellectual.

The latter two–the main ones focussed upon by our education systems–cannot be optimized unless the first two needs are met. A student may pass a course, but not achieve the level of education of which he or she has potential if their social and emotional needs have not been met.

Only when social, emotional, intellectual and physical needs have been met (for the most part) will a person have the potential to become enlightened and to show the way to others. To show the way for others becomes a personal quest, a need in itself so that the teacher and the student may touch each other’s souls in the way that Steven Covey describes.

It has been said many times in many different cultures that if you can’t find God within yourself, you will never find God in a church, synagogue, mosque or temple.

To feel God is to find your own soul within yourself. To touch the soul of another, to communicate with another soul, is the ultimate human experience.

If you believe this is bunk, then you won’t find your own soul and you will likely have trouble believing in God. So be an agnostic or an atheist for the rest of your life. No one will care.

If you one day believe that you have formed a special relationship with someone, perhaps through a shared experience or a discussion, something that goes far beyond what you have experienced previously with that person or with others, then you likely have touched souls.

You can call it love. Many do. But it’s a special kind of love that goes beyond sexuality, sensuality and meeting each others social needs.

You have it within you. The potential is there for you to discover. It’s up to you to find it because no one can help you.

HINT: Begin by giving of yourself to others. You will never find your own soul, never have the enlightenment, never feel the excitement of touching the soul of another if you focus on what comes to you rather than on what you can give. Those who give of themselves to others find that they receive more back. Hard to believe? Then you haven’t tried it.

It’s 50 years of achieving independence tomorrow, we are still thinking like our fore-fathers. Wait a minute, we are worst than our fore-fathers. At least when they wanted to achieve independence, they managed to see beyond race and religious lines. They saw each human as their equal after the same thing. They knew that they had to work together to achieve a better life for themselves, they knew that had to work together to ensure a better future for their children and grandchildren.

But today? We have taken ten steps backwards. What are my allegations based on, you may ask? Simple really. I am experiencing it in my daily life. I see people so stuck in their ways, mixing from people from the same background as theirs, afraid of venturing out and broadening their horizons and learning new things different people have to offer. We no longer see people as another equal human being, but instead we are being segregated along racial lines.

And what’s with all the racial taunting we see everyday? How did this ever come about? Why is there a great need for one race to prove that they are better than the other races, even though their rights are well provided for in the constitution? Why do we still see the our elected wakil rakyat waving their keris and talking about Ketuanan Melayu? And why has the Parliamentary debates become so farcical? Why aren’t they instead debating more pertinent matters like why are many Malaysians out there are so disenchanted with the country? Why are they feeling like the grass is greener in another country? And it’s also very ironic that instead of making Malaysia a place for the rakyat to truly call their home, we are trying so hard to attract foreigners to make Malaysia their second home?

Today, we no longer see the assimilation of races. We no longer see children mixing outside their race. And what is even more sickening, they can’t bear to see someone from amongst them being friendly to someone who’s not the same skin colour as them. They will have a brainwashing session trying to make that person change his ways, as if he has committed the biggest crime on earth. It’s a wonder that this kind of thinking still exist today!

It’s been 50 years. And yet we have yet to fully achieve greatness to substantiate our existence as a country. We are still lagging behind countries like Japan, who had to endure near total devastation from 2 atomic bombs, we are still lagging behind Singapore that is not blessed with natural resources that we have, we are lagging behind India and China that are slowly emerging as the next superpower and economic giant. And what about us? We have yet to be united under Bangsa Malaysia. We are still picking at each other’s race and what their race are entitled too. Mind boggling.

I don’t know. To me, Merdeka is nothing much to celebrate about. Yes, we may have achieved much, but in many ways we are still backwards. We should not be wasting our time championing a particular race, instead we should be championing the cause of Malaysia. I’m sure in the eyes of the world, we are a laughing stock. And yet, I don’t see anyone capable of changing things for us, Malaysians.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”.

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too.

Have you ever woken up one day and thought, Yeah I’m up, so what now? Most of my days have now become a monotous routine of just going through the daily motions. Nothing much happens, except when I am bombarded with the same repetitive questions that is now the main reason my pubes are falling off.

There has to be more to life in’it? How long more am I supposed to roam this earth like a headless chicken married to my left hand so much so that my testicles now resemble that of a grapefruit? If someone were to cut me up, I’m sure that there’ll be bats flying out from my corpse. Nothing interesting ever happens that excites me anymore.

Last night as I were checking out my Friendster account (yes, I have one so sue me!), I’ve realized something. Most of my buds are married and now they all have a lot of little wasted sperm tagging along. Now that explains why I only have 4 best friends nowadays, and out of these 4, The Kakunz is busy chasing rich guys and The Cock is having his little penis bitch slapped all the way to Africa everyday. The Flying Pork Seller is now in a band trying to entice primary school girls to sleep with him being the pedophile that he is while the remaining friend, The Bing spends his days at home watching his porn collection while enjoying a plate of rice and curry.

So this brings me to question, how do you get a girl, someone who is so insecure about herself, to actually be involved with a guy? I’ve had my fair share of marriage proposals, most of them which I rejected on the basis of not having boobs big enough for me tit fuck (call me shallow but it’s every guys dream to tit fuck!). But seriously, was there a 4 credit hour’s class I missed back in college where the subject matter was on girls? And if there wasn’t such a class, it’s fucking time they should have one goddamnit!

So yeah, the conclusion of my latest nonsensical drivel is when the heck am I gonna get a girl to ask me to stand beside her under her umbrella…ella…ella…hey….hey hey??

1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

5. Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exit with the passengers.

12. Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”

15. Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Call out, “Group hug!” then enforce it.

18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25. Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”

27. Offer name tags to all the other passengers. Wear yours upside down.

28. When the elevator reaches a floor, pretend you’re struggling to open the door. And when it opens, by itself, play embarrassed.

29. Murmur, “Have to pee, have to pee”, then say “Oooppps!”

30. Scream out Geronimo every time the door opens.

31. When everything is quiet, ask “Who’s cell phone is that?”

I am so out of touch with myself, the people around me and practically the world. I am no longer sure what I want, no longer sure what the future holds and no longer sure if what I’m doing is the right thing. Time is just flying by, and the next thing I know it’s time to board the plane and head back twice each month. I’ve become a mindless drone just going through the motions.

The next thing I know, I’ll be 35, probably based in some foreign country once again and probably still go back to my hotel/apartment/roach motel at the end of each day alone and questioning when will things ever change, when will things be different for me and when will I finally achieve something more with my life.

People around me are already bugging me saying that I’m not getting any younger and that I should think of settling down. I don’t know. I am so out of touch that I am not sure if that is the right thing for me. Sure, it does get lonely over there when I don’t have the opportunity to express myself and I would like to have an outlet. But I am not sure of how to go about it.

And what bugs me the most is the constant nagging I get about my life. I don’t need anyone to point out my flaws. I know what I am, my strengths and my weakness. I am well aware of that. I just need my space and I don’t need the comparisons. I am still afraid of taking the leap and pledging myself after all the turmoil I’ve had to endure over the years.

And besides, I always think I’ve nothing much to offer. Maybe I lack self confidence and that I have low self-esteem. Maybe I’ve been bitten once too many. Maybe my heart has turned to stone and that I’ve no feelings anymore. Sometimes I use humor as defense so that I don’t hurt myself. The world is a mess, and I’m losing faith in it.

But I’ve met some wonderful people along the way, people who did add a spark to my life, bringing me fleeting moments of joy. But then somehow things take a turn for the worst when another party realizes that after all the time spent together, something is lacking. Hence the ignoring will begin and the seeds of hatred will be planted. Didn’t words which was once expressed to one another hold any meaning at all? Didn’t the times spent chatting, the numerous phone calls and meet up hold any value at all? Didn’t our friendship, the one you once thought were precious to you meant anything? How can things just take a turn for the worse?

I always tried to explain why I feel this way. I always make the effort to be nice. But at the end of the day, I have to console myself to sleep, telling myself that things will get better. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of making the effort to say hi, to be the first person to initiate a conversation. I am tired of trying. I wished that things were different. But then I know pigs have a better odds of flying.

Just imagine living a life as an outcast.

Just imagine living in a world where you are practically non-existent.

Just imagine by having a different skin tone than the rest, you are treated with indignation.

Just imagine living with people who has a negative impression of you from day one.

Just imagine waking up everyday without having anyone to talk to, in a foreign country.

Just imagine having people think your presence is nothing but a nuisance, a disruption to their everyday life.

Just imagine being compared to the local people just because my skin tone is darker than the pasty yellow of theirs.

Just imagine ….

I carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
I am never without it(anywhere
I go you go, my dear (and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

A poem by E.E. Cummings

“No man is an island.”

Yep, agreed. Our lives are shaped by the people around us, mainly our parents, our friends and colleagues. Each and everyone of them contributes to what we are to be. Some people has a big effect on our lives, while some don’t.

But sometimes having friends can cause much misery and pain so much so the idea of living like a hermit begins to sound tempting. Why can’t we just cohibit amongst one another without an ounce of jealousy? Why do we always have to plant seeds of mistrust and the false believe of being better than someone else?