Nefarious Wanker

When people ask me what’s the most annoying thing about a person, I would say it’s their dinner table manners. No where was a man’s breeding or lack thereof more on display than at the table. Nothing indicates a well bred man more than a proper mode of eating. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly “au fait”, dinner will betray him.

I mean isn’t it just absolutely disgusting when you are in the mood to enjoy your well prepared dinner, only to have your appetite ruined by the absolutely irritating and disgusting noises made by the other guests at the dinner table? Oh for god’s sake, please spare a thought for others at the table!! How would you like it if I went sllluurrrrp! Sluuurrrp! Slluurrrpp! with each mouthful? Oh wait, I forgot that you were raised by trailer park trash to have any feelings, my bad.

Table manners. It’s really easy to follow, and if you do follow them, rest assured the person sitting next to you will no longer feel like jabbing your eyes out with a spoon or puke all over your food! So without much further ado, here are a few simple table manners.

1. NEVER start eating before a signal from the host to do so.

2. Forks should not be turned over unless being used for eating peas, sweetcorn kernels, rice or other similar foods. In which case, it should be transferred to the right hand. However, at a casual buffet, or barbecue, it is quite acceptable to eat with just a fork.

3. When eating with fork and spoons, do not bang the fork or spoon or make any sound. As a general note, the base of the spoon or fork should never touch the plate when scooping up food. Don’t try to scoop up food and make noise with your cutlery as if your are playing drums.

4. It is not generally regarded as good dinner table etiquette to use one’s bread for dipping into soups or mopping up sauces.

5. Loud eating noises such as slurping and burping are very impolite. The number 1 sin of Dinner Table Etiquette! Save all your Slluurrpps for somewhere else, like when you want to enjoy the boogers you so meticulously picked from your nose!

6. Talking with one’s mouth full. Is not only unpleasant to watch, but could also lead to choking! Definately not a good idea!

7. Don’t stretch across the table crossing other guests to reach food, wine or condiments. Instead ask a guest sitting close to pass the item to you.

8. Good dinner table etiquette sometimes involves a degree of diplomacy when it comes to the host’s choice of food and wine! Even if you feel that you can do better, don’t ever offer your criticism. If you feel unable to pay any compliments, at least remain silent on the subject.

9. Picking teeth (unless toothpicks are provided) or licking fingers are very unattractive! The only exception to the latter is when eating meat or poultry on the bone (such as chicken legs or ribs). In which case, a finger bowl should be provided.

10. Don’t forget to make polite conversation with those guests around you. Dinner parties are not just about the food, they are intended to be a sociable occasion!

There I’ve outlined them. These simple rules would not change the fact that you were ill-bred, but heck, it sure can work wonders to mask the fact you were!

Hi Dr. Nefarious,

Girl Desperate To Find True Love

Dear Desperate Housewife,

So you think that your boyfriend might be cheating on you? That really is the pits. But do you really want to know what is worse than that? It’s people’s lame ass status messages about how Transformers the movie was really awesome. The point is these people weren’t even born when transformers the cartoon made its rounds on the telly. Yet these pimply faced nerds are the ones who are screaming at the top of their tar laced lungs proclaiming to be such big fans of the cartoon.

Heck, when I was at the cinema queuing up to buy tickets to the movie, I saw a group of the most horrendously looking nerds salivating at their mouth getting all excited about the movie, and spewing random useless facts about Transformers. I hate it when these nerds always make a useless show as something their world revolves around. There are enough Star Trek and Star Wars nerds walking around, we don’t need another gathering for Transformers nerds. You don’t fucking own them, and you definitely didn’t create them, so please stop acting like you do.

Also, I feel sorry for these people because they didn’t have good cartoons to watch while growing up. When I was growing up, I had Tom & Jerry, The Road Runner, Bugs Bunny, Thundercats, He-Man, Mask, Transformers, Voltron and Alvin & The Chipmunks. The faggots nowadays are only suited to watching Teletubbies and god knows what else. So please stop envying us and stick to what your own nerdy generation has to offer you damn nerds!!!!!

Goody two shoes are the second type of people I loathe, the first being communists. Sometimes I just feel like pairing these two type of people in a dump site, and see who gets eaten up by the crows. My money is on the crows not attacking anyone because they too are afraid, disgusted and put off by these type of people.

When I was having a discussion with my friend about being able to get a certain branded to die for laptop at half price, goody two shoes asked me why I didn’t buy it. I replied because it was stolen goods, and that’s why I didn’t get one even though the offer is very tempting.

Goody two shoes then had the gall to say so what, since my mind are a couple of screws short. That pissed me off. I might be a couple of screws short, but then I still know how to differentiate good and bad, right and wrong. I still have some good values in me, in spite of what I might say and do.

These type of people are like the devil, always trying to brainwash you into doing something that’s wrong, but they themselves would never do such a thing. I just wish one day that while you’re walking along the road, a fucking fat bloated pig will suck on your balls, twist your nipples, scat all over you and have you for dinner.

Fucking fucktards!

After a hard day at work, I look forward to having a decent meal and afterwards probably getting comfy on the sofa and watch a good movie uninterrupted. But this is asking too much.

Why can’t people just keep quiet while watching a movie? The term is called WATCHING a movie, not NARRATING it!! If you think you can act better, then why the hell hasn’t any director asked you to be the next big star in their super big box office smash hit? Oh I forgot, it has to be due to your ugly pimply face!

But not to fret. I will have my revenge. How you may ask? Simple really. I will wait silently waiting for my chance. The day of my revenge will be when you get married, and on your first night performing your husbandly duties, I will sneak into your room and go WAH! WAH! WAH! and ask silly questions such as why your didi so small wan? and other irritating questions so much so you will loose all abilities to deflower your wife. Only then, I will have my sweet revenge.

50 years after achieving independence, wa lang are still thinking like our fore-lao pehs. Wait a minute, wa lang are worst than our fore-lao pehs. At least when those pukima wanted to achieve independence, those pukima manage to see beyond lase and religious lines lah. CCB. Those siao lang saw each human as their lampa equal after the same thing.

But today? Nabeh! We liao liao have taken ten steps backwards. Hamik are my lan jiao allegations based on, you may ask? Simpur really. Limpeh is experiencing it in my lan jiao daily life. Limpeh see peepur so liddat stuck in their lampa ways, mixing from peepur from the same background as theirs, afraid of venturing out and broadening their lampa horizons and learning new things different peepur have to offer.

Instead, those pukima only mix with peepur with the same lase as them. Talking at the top of their lampa voices making silly jokes that even cows would cringe at. Being insensitive to other peepur around them. So Limpeh admit Limpeh may be the odd one around here and that Limpeh shouldn’t be demanding, budden hor, when it comes to discussion about work, for fucks sake prease be professional and ensure that liao liao lang at the table can understand si mi is going on.

And si mi is even more sickening, those pukima can’t bear to see someone from amongst those ah gua being friendly to someone who’s not the same skin colour as those ah gua lah. CCB. Those siao lang will have a brainwashing session trying to make that chao kacheng change that chao ah beng’s ways, as if the cheebye kia has committed the biggest crime on earth. It’s a wonder that this kind of thinking still exist today.

And instead of having more kaki at the table during dinner, those pukima are more concerned about being able to eat pork. All the while Limpeh was nice to them, Limpeh neber made that an issue with me. But after realizing this, Limpeh think Wahliew! Limpeh oredi been fooling myself. Wahliew! Limpeh oredi been living in a world that’s not si mi Limpeh envisioned it to be. Limpeh think it’s time Limpeh realized that I is just wasting my lan jiao time here and that when push comes to shove, Limpeh should be the one that’s doing the pushing.

So at the end of the lay, Wahliew! Limpeh oredi decided to do like si mi John Lennon said and let it be. Limpeh promise from now on Limpeh will not be mixing with these racists bastards and be a lone ranger, cooped up in my lan jiao room reading my lan jiao books and hope that Limpeh can get out from here as soon as proshibber.

What can I say about the people here? They really amuse me looking at how they go about in their daily work. My first encounter was the day before yesterday, when the users requested to make some changes to their system. But what caught my attention was when I saw my colleagues themselves defining what they should include in the system rather than they making the changes to meet the user requirements.

My second funny encounter was yesterday, when they requested to make some changes to the customer letters we normally generate out for them. Now it seems that instead of keying in the date when the letters are generated, they want us to generate and print the letters without informing us of the exact dates to be inserted into the letters.

Since we are in no position to argue, we agreed. Then they said they will fill in the dates themselves. Fine as well, since it’s their customers. When my colleague asked how they were going to fill the dates into the already printed letters, they replied they will rubber stamp the dates before sending out the letters.

Now this is where the trouble will arise. Each time we generate the letters, each branch of the bank has about 30,000 customers and we need to generate 2 types of letters each time. Each week we generate the letters for 6 branches.

Simple math would tell us that,

1 branch = 30,000 letters x 2 = 60,000 letters.
6 branches = 60,000 x 6 = 360,000 letters.
Imagine the amount of letters generated in 10 weeks.

So when we asked the user if they are sure they want to rubber stamp the dates on the letters themselves rather allowing us to print the dates for them, they replied in the affirmative.

Again when we pestered them if they are sure they want to take this approach, again they replied in the affirmative and they said ‘Don’t worry, we have the rubber stamp and ink.’

Hello? You should be more concerned about who exactly is going to stamp all the letters and not worry about whether you have the rubber stamp and ink!