Dear Mr. Larsson, Henrik, MBE,
I am an avid admirer of you as a person and more so for your truly amazing skills in handling a ball or balls. I have been a fan of yours ever since your first appearance with Celtic F.C. in your dreadlocks. It was you that inspired me to have long dreadlocks and also to better improve my football skills.
I have been following you very closely, and I was horrified to witness you career-ending injury when you broke your leg in two separate places. But being the strong willed person that you are, you refused to back down, and instead you worked hard to return to fitness and produce your best ever football yet. It’s this amazing measure of grit and determination that inspired other footballers, mainly Alan Smith to work hard to return to fitness and be the tough tackling striker from the halfway line that even Roy Keane is proud of.
I was jumping for joy when I heard that you will joining the greatest football club ever Man Utd to replace that wasted sperm Loius or is it ‘Louise’ Saha. Have you watched him play? He is a striking resemblance of our idol from eons ago, Andy Cole. Both of them have horrible first touch, and horrible ball control. And don’t even get me started on their abilities to score goals. For heavens, they couldn’t hit a cow’s ass with a banjo if their lives depended on it. And why the heck is it always the coloured people that always gets ruled to be in an offside position? Andy Cole currently holds the record for having the most number of offsides in a match, and Louise is slowly working his way to be on par with him. This is freaking bollocks to watch!
But you, you are truly a world class footballer. You have excellent work ethics. I have never seen you mishandled a ball before because you have excellent ball control, and your anticipation of where the ball is directed is second to none. For someone who is 35 years old, you can still outrun Ben Johnson high on steroids. And you never once gave up chasing the ball, unlike the Andy Coles and Louise Sahas.
Since you came to Man Utd, you have managed to relegate Louise to be bench, which is fine by all the Mancunians out there. We were on our way to defeating The Arse, when lo and behold Sir Fergielicious decided to replace you with Louise and that cost us the game. We could have gone 9 points clear! But thanks to Louise’s non existent ball control skills, we lost the game. That made me despise that wasted sperm even more!
So I am appealing to you to please extend your current stay with us. You have made us believe that we are champions again after we were robbed by the dirty rubbles from London. And for them to claim that they earned the championship is hogwash when everyone knows they bought it. And for that minger Moaninho to question his club’s backing just because they didn’t splurge in the recent transfer window surely raises questions about his ability to make a team.
So please, please carry on playing for the greatest club ever and hopefully you will return what is rightfully ours. It’s players like Louise, Andy, Taibi, Howard and Djemba Djemba that made us what we are today. Once again, please have a change of heart. If you do, we would gladfully throw in Louise to be you butty-boy.
Hoping and Anticipating For A Change Of Heart,
NW
p/s: It’s even you that inspired me to shave my head bald like you did.
