Nefarious Wanker

An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He brags, ‘In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice.’

The Bangladeshi obviously impressed by this drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.’

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi. He says, ‘In KL we have so many Indon and Bangla that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.’

An American, a British and a Sri Lankan astronaut landed on the moon.

Amazed by the feeling, the american declared that he will build the Empire State Building on the moon, and the rest of them clapped upon hearing this.

Next, the British astronaut, not to be outdone by the American, declared that it will be his life goal to build the London Bridge on the moon.

They then asked the Sri Lankan what he would do. He replied, “When we see the full moon, we don’t work. Now that we are on the moon, you can’t expect me to work.”

A husband was asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?”

He replied: “Depends, if I can find a phone.”

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A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?

Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.

Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?

Millionaire: A Billionaire

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A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour.”

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Man to wife on wedding night: “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?”

Wife replied: “Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!”

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds (like me!), and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are… plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such… but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra… all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models… They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo…”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind…”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on…” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code… a geek can dream).

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce…

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps…

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

1. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

2. Why is the man who invests all your money called a ‘broker’?

3. Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

4. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

5. Why are the obituaries found in the “living” section of the newspaper?

6. Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?

7. How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?

8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

10. What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

The more deeply you understand people, the more you will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.
- Stephen R. Covey

I send this quote out with the full knowledge that most people have not experienced and will likely never have the experience of touching the soul of another human being.

Set aside any concepts you have about (or negative feelings against) the human soul. They are irrelevant to the discussion.

We tend to think of the soul as something revealed to us by the religion of our childhood, something we have when we are born. I disagree. I believe the soul is something you find during your lifetime, if you are fortunate. Soul is God within you. Either you can feel it under certain conditions or you cannot. If you can’t, you likely have not discovered the essence of your soul. You may never find it if you look to others to grant it to you.

To “walk on holy ground” is not just for those who have been “born again in Jesus” or who are Sufi Muslims or mystics of other flavours. What Covey means by this is something akin to an enlightenment, a very special feeling that can’t be described in words to those who have not experienced it.

Those who deeply understand people appreciate how similar we are, whether man or woman, mechanic or doctor, terrorist or preacher, child or ascetic.

Am I saying that you are like a terrorist who would blow up himself (or herself) as well as many others? Yes, at the core we are all the same. We all have the same needs. We may react differently when our needs are not met. And that happens a great deal more than most of us realize. More than some of us want to know or acknowledge.

Statistics have noted that terrorists often have college degrees and come from middle class families. But education does not come from school. School only teaches us how to educate ourselves. I received my baccalaureate when I could barely read, in fact never having read a prescribed course text. I could only read a tiny bit better when I received my postgraduate degree. No one today would deny my education.

We have needs that most of us do not realize. When those needs are not met, we can’t focus on advancing ourselves in other ways, be they intellectually, socially or otherwise.

In order to “walk on holy ground,” to feel the enlightenment, to have an appreciation of the human soul, to understand the reality of God and to have the experience of touching the soul of another, we must have our needs met. Those needs include social and emotional needs as well as physical and intellectual.

The latter two–the main ones focussed upon by our education systems–cannot be optimized unless the first two needs are met. A student may pass a course, but not achieve the level of education of which he or she has potential if their social and emotional needs have not been met.

Only when social, emotional, intellectual and physical needs have been met (for the most part) will a person have the potential to become enlightened and to show the way to others. To show the way for others becomes a personal quest, a need in itself so that the teacher and the student may touch each other’s souls in the way that Steven Covey describes.

It has been said many times in many different cultures that if you can’t find God within yourself, you will never find God in a church, synagogue, mosque or temple.

To feel God is to find your own soul within yourself. To touch the soul of another, to communicate with another soul, is the ultimate human experience.

If you believe this is bunk, then you won’t find your own soul and you will likely have trouble believing in God. So be an agnostic or an atheist for the rest of your life. No one will care.

If you one day believe that you have formed a special relationship with someone, perhaps through a shared experience or a discussion, something that goes far beyond what you have experienced previously with that person or with others, then you likely have touched souls.

You can call it love. Many do. But it’s a special kind of love that goes beyond sexuality, sensuality and meeting each others social needs.

You have it within you. The potential is there for you to discover. It’s up to you to find it because no one can help you.

HINT: Begin by giving of yourself to others. You will never find your own soul, never have the enlightenment, never feel the excitement of touching the soul of another if you focus on what comes to you rather than on what you can give. Those who give of themselves to others find that they receive more back. Hard to believe? Then you haven’t tried it.

It’s 50 years of achieving independence tomorrow, we are still thinking like our fore-fathers. Wait a minute, we are worst than our fore-fathers. At least when they wanted to achieve independence, they managed to see beyond race and religious lines. They saw each human as their equal after the same thing. They knew that they had to work together to achieve a better life for themselves, they knew that had to work together to ensure a better future for their children and grandchildren.

But today? We have taken ten steps backwards. What are my allegations based on, you may ask? Simple really. I am experiencing it in my daily life. I see people so stuck in their ways, mixing from people from the same background as theirs, afraid of venturing out and broadening their horizons and learning new things different people have to offer. We no longer see people as another equal human being, but instead we are being segregated along racial lines.

And what’s with all the racial taunting we see everyday? How did this ever come about? Why is there a great need for one race to prove that they are better than the other races, even though their rights are well provided for in the constitution? Why do we still see the our elected wakil rakyat waving their keris and talking about Ketuanan Melayu? And why has the Parliamentary debates become so farcical? Why aren’t they instead debating more pertinent matters like why are many Malaysians out there are so disenchanted with the country? Why are they feeling like the grass is greener in another country? And it’s also very ironic that instead of making Malaysia a place for the rakyat to truly call their home, we are trying so hard to attract foreigners to make Malaysia their second home?

Today, we no longer see the assimilation of races. We no longer see children mixing outside their race. And what is even more sickening, they can’t bear to see someone from amongst them being friendly to someone who’s not the same skin colour as them. They will have a brainwashing session trying to make that person change his ways, as if he has committed the biggest crime on earth. It’s a wonder that this kind of thinking still exist today!

It’s been 50 years. And yet we have yet to fully achieve greatness to substantiate our existence as a country. We are still lagging behind countries like Japan, who had to endure near total devastation from 2 atomic bombs, we are still lagging behind Singapore that is not blessed with natural resources that we have, we are lagging behind India and China that are slowly emerging as the next superpower and economic giant. And what about us? We have yet to be united under Bangsa Malaysia. We are still picking at each other’s race and what their race are entitled too. Mind boggling.

I don’t know. To me, Merdeka is nothing much to celebrate about. Yes, we may have achieved much, but in many ways we are still backwards. We should not be wasting our time championing a particular race, instead we should be championing the cause of Malaysia. I’m sure in the eyes of the world, we are a laughing stock. And yet, I don’t see anyone capable of changing things for us, Malaysians.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”.

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too.

Have you ever woken up one day and thought, Yeah I’m up, so what now? Most of my days have now become a monotous routine of just going through the daily motions. Nothing much happens, except when I am bombarded with the same repetitive questions that is now the main reason my pubes are falling off.

There has to be more to life in’it? How long more am I supposed to roam this earth like a headless chicken married to my left hand so much so that my testicles now resemble that of a grapefruit? If someone were to cut me up, I’m sure that there’ll be bats flying out from my corpse. Nothing interesting ever happens that excites me anymore.

Last night as I were checking out my Friendster account (yes, I have one so sue me!), I’ve realized something. Most of my buds are married and now they all have a lot of little wasted sperm tagging along. Now that explains why I only have 4 best friends nowadays, and out of these 4, The Kakunz is busy chasing rich guys and The Cock is having his little penis bitch slapped all the way to Africa everyday. The Flying Pork Seller is now in a band trying to entice primary school girls to sleep with him being the pedophile that he is while the remaining friend, The Bing spends his days at home watching his porn collection while enjoying a plate of rice and curry.

So this brings me to question, how do you get a girl, someone who is so insecure about herself, to actually be involved with a guy? I’ve had my fair share of marriage proposals, most of them which I rejected on the basis of not having boobs big enough for me tit fuck (call me shallow but it’s every guys dream to tit fuck!). But seriously, was there a 4 credit hour’s class I missed back in college where the subject matter was on girls? And if there wasn’t such a class, it’s fucking time they should have one goddamnit!

So yeah, the conclusion of my latest nonsensical drivel is when the heck am I gonna get a girl to ask me to stand beside her under her umbrella…ella…ella…hey….hey hey??

When people ask me what’s the most annoying thing about a person, I would say it’s their dinner table manners. No where was a man’s breeding or lack thereof more on display than at the table. Nothing indicates a well bred man more than a proper mode of eating. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly “au fait”, dinner will betray him.

I mean isn’t it just absolutely disgusting when you are in the mood to enjoy your well prepared dinner, only to have your appetite ruined by the absolutely irritating and disgusting noises made by the other guests at the dinner table? Oh for god’s sake, please spare a thought for others at the table!! How would you like it if I went sllluurrrrp! Sluuurrrp! Slluurrrpp! with each mouthful? Oh wait, I forgot that you were raised by trailer park trash to have any feelings, my bad.

Table manners. It’s really easy to follow, and if you do follow them, rest assured the person sitting next to you will no longer feel like jabbing your eyes out with a spoon or puke all over your food! So without much further ado, here are a few simple table manners.

1. NEVER start eating before a signal from the host to do so.

2. Forks should not be turned over unless being used for eating peas, sweetcorn kernels, rice or other similar foods. In which case, it should be transferred to the right hand. However, at a casual buffet, or barbecue, it is quite acceptable to eat with just a fork.

3. When eating with fork and spoons, do not bang the fork or spoon or make any sound. As a general note, the base of the spoon or fork should never touch the plate when scooping up food. Don’t try to scoop up food and make noise with your cutlery as if your are playing drums.

4. It is not generally regarded as good dinner table etiquette to use one’s bread for dipping into soups or mopping up sauces.

5. Loud eating noises such as slurping and burping are very impolite. The number 1 sin of Dinner Table Etiquette! Save all your Slluurrpps for somewhere else, like when you want to enjoy the boogers you so meticulously picked from your nose!

6. Talking with one’s mouth full. Is not only unpleasant to watch, but could also lead to choking! Definately not a good idea!

7. Don’t stretch across the table crossing other guests to reach food, wine or condiments. Instead ask a guest sitting close to pass the item to you.

8. Good dinner table etiquette sometimes involves a degree of diplomacy when it comes to the host’s choice of food and wine! Even if you feel that you can do better, don’t ever offer your criticism. If you feel unable to pay any compliments, at least remain silent on the subject.

9. Picking teeth (unless toothpicks are provided) or licking fingers are very unattractive! The only exception to the latter is when eating meat or poultry on the bone (such as chicken legs or ribs). In which case, a finger bowl should be provided.

10. Don’t forget to make polite conversation with those guests around you. Dinner parties are not just about the food, they are intended to be a sociable occasion!

There I’ve outlined them. These simple rules would not change the fact that you were ill-bred, but heck, it sure can work wonders to mask the fact you were!