Nefarious Wanker

When you told me the news this morning, I was shocked. Heartbroken. Devastated.

But then like all good things, it must come to an end. I must thank you for all the good times we had, all the times you made me happy. You’ve shown me that with the right person, I too can be happy.

But then I guess we were just friends and nothing more than that. I guess you wanted a sense of security, things that you know the other person can provide. Years hold greater value than what, 7 months? I truly can understand that.

So anyway, good luck and I’ll see you when I see you.

When you called me up this morning
Told me ’bout the new love that you found
Said, “I’m happy for you. I’m really happy for you.”
Found someone else, I guess I won’t be coming ’round
I guess it’s over,
It’s really over.

It’s a shame that it had to be this way
It’s not enough to say I’m sorry
It’s not enough to say I’m sorry

Maybe I’m to blame
Or maybe we’re the same
But either way I can’t breathe
Either way I can’t breathe

All I had to say is goodbye
We’re better off this way
We’re better off this way

I’m alive but I’m losing all my drive
Cause everything we’ve been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

The guy who put his hands on you
Has got nothing to do with me
And the bruises that I feel will heal
And I hope I’ll come around

‘Cause I’m missing you
And we used to speak so easy
Now you’re afraid to talk to me

Carrying that weight way too far
Concrete pulled me down so hard
Out there with the wounded
I’m missing you

I miss your face, you know I wish you
Would come back
I’ll tell ‘em, that’s just my battle scar

Slow down, the world isn’t watching me break down
It’s safe to say I am alone now, I am alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I’m counting the seconds until you break the silence

So you see, this world doesn’t matter to me
I’ll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can’t take my eyes off of you

And I’m longing, for words to describe how I’m feeling
I’m feeling inspired
My world just flip turned upside down
It turns around, say what’s that sound
It’s my heart beat, it’s getting much louder
My heart beat, is stronger than ever
I’m feeling so alive, I’m feeling so alive

My whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
My tears turn into laughter
And it takes away my fears

Another day waking up at 4am, and this time I went for a drive to Putrajaya listening to one song over and over again, and the chorus is like this:

When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing’s tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It’s tumbling down
Hard.

I’ve never felt so alone like how I’ve been feeling these past few days. I would do anything to help me get over this. I don’t want to feel like the way I do now. Please help. Someone. Anyone.

Last night I stayed up quite late. I was being a big jerk to some people because of my current unstable hormones. I don’t know why but moving on is not as easy as it seems. But I am making every effort to do so. But then before I logged off something happened that tore me to bits. It seems the tranquility of the nite just shattered at that moment. I was really tired, but sleep was not forthcoming and I just lay in bed until 6 am. By 7.30 am I didn’t get my required 40 winks and that’s when I decided to fuck it and get ready to work.

During the drive to work and on the monorail to the client’s office I keep telling myself to be positive. But as soon as I got to my room at the client’s office, I was feeling dizzy and couldn’t breathe well. I sat down and the room didn’t stop spinning. And I did nothing and just sat down there thinking this is how my life will actually end, alone in a corner somewhere because of something trivial that really had a big impact on me.

This past week has been a whirlwheel of emotions. One week I’m king of the world like Leonardo D’Caprio in Titanic, another moment I’m down in the darkest abyss where the light never shines, so much so I just spend the whole day in my room under the covers listening to soppy Backstreet Boys songs and wondering why I am so unlucky? Why is it that no matter what I do, I will be always the one that will be cast aside like some used toilet tissue that is used to wipe someone’s arse? What have I ever done to deserve such humiliation? Can someone please explain to me? Please?

When you wanted to talk to someone I was there for you. In fact, I am still there for you. But for how long more? I feel that you definitely cannot bake the cake and have it for yourself. It takes two to tango, every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. I cannot be the one who’s giving everything without getting anything in return. Then at the end of it all I’m a bigger loser jerk. No, it cannot be like this anymore. The pain and humiliation is too much to bare.

So here’s me doing the best thing for me, myself and I that is not giving a damn about anything anymore. I am broken. Kicked in the nuts. Dumped in thrash. Will it ever be blue skies and everything nice again for me? I doubt it. I seriously do. Well that’s just life. No one dies a virgin because life screws us all.

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain

Living like this is unhealthy. It’s time I moved past this and not get tied down by uncontrollable emotions and hormones. I will try to keep myself under control. If this means we severe all ties, then so be it. This is better than making empty promises such as We can still be friends when in all honesty, this will never be the case. There will always be a little constant reminder of the past and this will lead to many awkward moments.

I’ve realized in the past couple of weeks, I did stuff I shouldn’t have done, and in the process I may have caused some hurt to some people. Any words of apologies from me is beginning to sound like a broken record, but I am truly sorry. If you do not forgive me, then that’s entirely your choice.

But please remember this, that it’s been fun having fun with you. But like all good things this must come to an end as well. Friendships may come to an end, but memories last forever. So this is me wishing you all the best and do take care!

Really didn’t think I was gonna make it
Really didn’t think I was gonna make it this way
Put on my robot face
Hide my emotions way far away from me.

The day began with me waking at up 4am. I am wondering why I can’t seem to have a good night’s sleep these past few days. After lying in bed for quite sometime, I decided to turn on the lights, put on my ipod and listened to music. Going through my playlist, I noticed all the songs have a significant memory tied to it. Songs from dropping out of university to songs of being dumped.

Left work pretty early, and was contemplating whether I should go to Shah Alam or not. After sitting at a bench aimlessly in KL Sentral for about half an hour, I decided that it’s best that I go there, maybe I can get my mind off things. The weather was gloomy, I thought it was maybe because of the haze. But as I got on to the Federal Highway, the sky opened up and rain started pouring down. And there I was driving in the rain, half asleep at the wheel with no idea where exactly the client’s office is.

After driving around and getting lost a couple of times, I finally found the place where my presence is awaited. The client was extra friendly today, which is always welcomed. After a tour of the data center, I sat my ass down in the freezing computer operations room and started to do my work. It was really really difficult trying to concentrate, as my mind kept wondering somewhere else.

I went for lunch at the next office building, and found out that the food has finished. So I got myself a glass of iced tea and sat down in the cafeteria trying to tell my tummy to stop growling. And I didn’t have breakfast as well. When I got back to the client’s office, he asked me if there’s anything else. As I looked through my checklist, I noticed that I have nothing outstanding. So I packed my stuff and left at about 3pm.

As I was driving, I was wondering about you, so that’s when I started sms-ing you. I knew you were up to no good because I too was doing the same. Your reply proved it. I see we are getting more and more reckless each day. Oh well. Maybe we both have problems with authority. Maybe we get a fix by doing so. I don’t know. But who cares about authority, right?

Anyway, I don’t know what will happen in the coming weeks. Just hope that you enjoy yourself. Please do not forget yours truly, and yes, I know this is asking too much.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it’s always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both good for detected pain.

Why is it that if a guy is nice to a girl, things will never work out between the two of them?

But if a girl is in a relationship in which she is ignored, practically non-existent to the guy, she keeps coming back for more?

Why is it that a girl would never leave the guy no matter how bad he treats her?

Why is it that a girl would find it difficult to let go of a jerk, but will never let in someone else, who is 100 times better?

Why, why and why?

Stand tall, they’ll break your heart.
Stand tall, they’ll smash your ego.
Stand tall, they’ll tear you down.
Stand tall, scar your soul.

I always pride myself as a person who has his feet firmly planted on the ground. And no matter what happens, I will still be able to think rationally, I will not do things that I am not supposed to do. But recent events have made me question my beliefs. And I am faltering. Badly. It’s like slowly, I am giving them up. I feel slowly but surely I am spiraling into a dark abyss, and that my world is closing in on me.

Work nowadays is becoming really irksome. Gone were the days where I am in the vicinity of the office by 7.30 a.m. Now I consider myself even lucky if I can drag myself out of bed by that time. There was a time when I came back to Malaysia, I felt that I have found my true calling. I actually enjoy what I am doing. Now? I can’t put that into words. This is exactly what I had to go through before I called it quits, when I said enough is enough. That the time has come to pack my bags and leave.

I am stressed out. I am becoming more of an introvert. But on the other hand, I am doing things that I was once famous for, which was to challenge authority and see how far I can go before I get caught. The adrenaline rush from this calms me. It helps me focus on the task at hand. It helps me to plodder on. It keeps me focused.

Then there’s you. The past week has been out of the ordinary. We are different but same in many ways. Kinda ironic. I know I am just kidding myself, that I am building castles in the air, imagining things that will never materialize. But when we met up everyday for the past one week, I felt happy. But this will come to an end. And that really, really pains me.

Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it’s the fantasy?

And to answer the question you posed to me last night, the answer is YES!