I always pride myself as a person who has his feet firmly planted on the ground. And no matter what happens, I will still be able to think rationally, I will not do things that I am not supposed to do. But recent events have made me question my beliefs. And I am faltering. Badly. It’s like slowly, I am giving them up. I feel slowly but surely I am spiraling into a dark abyss, and that my world is closing in on me.

Work nowadays is becoming really irksome. Gone were the days where I am in the vicinity of the office by 7.30 a.m. Now I consider myself even lucky if I can drag myself out of bed by that time. There was a time when I came back to Malaysia, I felt that I have found my true calling. I actually enjoy what I am doing. Now? I can’t put that into words. This is exactly what I had to go through before I called it quits, when I said enough is enough. That the time has come to pack my bags and leave.

I am stressed out. I am becoming more of an introvert. But on the other hand, I am doing things that I was once famous for, which was to challenge authority and see how far I can go before I get caught. The adrenaline rush from this calms me. It helps me focus on the task at hand. It helps me to plodder on. It keeps me focused.

Then there’s you. The past week has been out of the ordinary. We are different but same in many ways. Kinda ironic. I know I am just kidding myself, that I am building castles in the air, imagining things that will never materialize. But when we met up everyday for the past one week, I felt happy. But this will come to an end. And that really, really pains me.

Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it’s the fantasy?

And to answer the question you posed to me last night, the answer is YES!