When people ask me what’s the most annoying thing about a person, I would say it’s their dinner table manners. No where was a man’s breeding or lack thereof more on display than at the table. Nothing indicates a well bred man more than a proper mode of eating. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly “au fait”, dinner will betray him.

I mean isn’t it just absolutely disgusting when you are in the mood to enjoy your well prepared dinner, only to have your appetite ruined by the absolutely irritating and disgusting noises made by the other guests at the dinner table? Oh for god’s sake, please spare a thought for others at the table!! How would you like it if I went sllluurrrrp! Sluuurrrp! Slluurrrpp! with each mouthful? Oh wait, I forgot that you were raised by trailer park trash to have any feelings, my bad.

Table manners. It’s really easy to follow, and if you do follow them, rest assured the person sitting next to you will no longer feel like jabbing your eyes out with a spoon or puke all over your food! So without much further ado, here are a few simple table manners.

1. NEVER start eating before a signal from the host to do so.

2. Forks should not be turned over unless being used for eating peas, sweetcorn kernels, rice or other similar foods. In which case, it should be transferred to the right hand. However, at a casual buffet, or barbecue, it is quite acceptable to eat with just a fork.

3. When eating with fork and spoons, do not bang the fork or spoon or make any sound. As a general note, the base of the spoon or fork should never touch the plate when scooping up food. Don’t try to scoop up food and make noise with your cutlery as if your are playing drums.

4. It is not generally regarded as good dinner table etiquette to use one’s bread for dipping into soups or mopping up sauces.

5. Loud eating noises such as slurping and burping are very impolite. The number 1 sin of Dinner Table Etiquette! Save all your Slluurrpps for somewhere else, like when you want to enjoy the boogers you so meticulously picked from your nose!

6. Talking with one’s mouth full. Is not only unpleasant to watch, but could also lead to choking! Definately not a good idea!

7. Don’t stretch across the table crossing other guests to reach food, wine or condiments. Instead ask a guest sitting close to pass the item to you.

8. Good dinner table etiquette sometimes involves a degree of diplomacy when it comes to the host’s choice of food and wine! Even if you feel that you can do better, don’t ever offer your criticism. If you feel unable to pay any compliments, at least remain silent on the subject.

9. Picking teeth (unless toothpicks are provided) or licking fingers are very unattractive! The only exception to the latter is when eating meat or poultry on the bone (such as chicken legs or ribs). In which case, a finger bowl should be provided.

10. Don’t forget to make polite conversation with those guests around you. Dinner parties are not just about the food, they are intended to be a sociable occasion!

There I’ve outlined them. These simple rules would not change the fact that you were ill-bred, but heck, it sure can work wonders to mask the fact you were!