I am so out of touch with myself, the people around me and practically the world. I am no longer sure what I want, no longer sure what the future holds and no longer sure if what I’m doing is the right thing. Time is just flying by, and the next thing I know it’s time to board the plane and head back twice each month. I’ve become a mindless drone just going through the motions.

The next thing I know, I’ll be 35, probably based in some foreign country once again and probably still go back to my hotel/apartment/roach motel at the end of each day alone and questioning when will things ever change, when will things be different for me and when will I finally achieve something more with my life.

People around me are already bugging me saying that I’m not getting any younger and that I should think of settling down. I don’t know. I am so out of touch that I am not sure if that is the right thing for me. Sure, it does get lonely over there when I don’t have the opportunity to express myself and I would like to have an outlet. But I am not sure of how to go about it.

And what bugs me the most is the constant nagging I get about my life. I don’t need anyone to point out my flaws. I know what I am, my strengths and my weakness. I am well aware of that. I just need my space and I don’t need the comparisons. I am still afraid of taking the leap and pledging myself after all the turmoil I’ve had to endure over the years.

And besides, I always think I’ve nothing much to offer. Maybe I lack self confidence and that I have low self-esteem. Maybe I’ve been bitten once too many. Maybe my heart has turned to stone and that I’ve no feelings anymore. Sometimes I use humor as defense so that I don’t hurt myself. The world is a mess, and I’m losing faith in it.

But I’ve met some wonderful people along the way, people who did add a spark to my life, bringing me fleeting moments of joy. But then somehow things take a turn for the worst when another party realizes that after all the time spent together, something is lacking. Hence the ignoring will begin and the seeds of hatred will be planted. Didn’t words which was once expressed to one another hold any meaning at all? Didn’t the times spent chatting, the numerous phone calls and meet up hold any value at all? Didn’t our friendship, the one you once thought were precious to you meant anything? How can things just take a turn for the worse?

I always tried to explain why I feel this way. I always make the effort to be nice. But at the end of the day, I have to console myself to sleep, telling myself that things will get better. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of making the effort to say hi, to be the first person to initiate a conversation. I am tired of trying. I wished that things were different. But then I know pigs have a better odds of flying.